Friday, February 8, 2019

Funny Friday


Enjoy the humour, dear readers . . .

Some risque content included.

So she turned round to me and said "Brilliant." 

Then he turned round to me and said "You really went for it." 

So I turned round to them and said "Why did you have your backs to me?” 

They turned round and said "Hang on a minute, we need to turn round again to face you, and besides you were supposed to be facing the other way." 

It all got a bit confusing when I went on The Voice. 

Just been into a cafe and asked for a BLT. 

It took a while but eventually a Bisexual, a Lesbian and a Tansgender turned up to help me with my order. 

I was fishing on holiday in Florida when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog. 

Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. 

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. 

So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. 

His eyes rolled back and he went limp. 

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog. 

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. 

It was that snake, with two more frogs 

Limerick of the Week: 

There was a young lady of Chichester 
Who made all the saints in their niches stir. 
One morning at matins 
Her breasts in white satin 
Made the Bishop of Chichester’s britches stir. 



From the archives . . . 

From April 20, 2012 – 

(Caution: risqué item follows) 

By way of introduction to the first Funny Friday item, which is an oldie but a goodie, I will mention that it came up in a discussion with my son about dancing. 

Notwithstanding that King David honoured the Lord by dancing (2 Samuel 6: 14-16), dancing has long had a strong sexual content. George Bernard Shaw recognised this when he described it as “the vertical expression of a horizontal desire legalised by music.” 

Those who have read Edward Albee’s play Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf may recall the scene where Martha is dancing provocatively with Nick, while her husband George and Nick’s mousey wife, Honey, watch: 

HONEY: They're dancing like they've danced before. 
GEORGE: It's a familiar dance ... they both know it .. 
MARTHA: Don't be shy. 
NICK: I'm ...not 
GEORGE [to HONEY]: It's a very old ritual, monkey-nipples. . . old as they come. 

As a digression, the roles of Martha and George in the movie version were superbly acted by Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. The latter should have received an Oscar. 

It’s interesting, is it not, that as attitudes towards sex have become more liberal and morality has relaxed, dancing has become less sexual. In past times when sex was less open, men and women held each other and moved together. Today they don’t touch. 

In Judaism, especially in Orthodox tradition, men and women are separated in some ceremonies and contexts, for instance in some Orthodox prayer services, weddings and bar mitzvahs. Currently, the majority of Orthodox Jews do not participate in mixed dancing. 

Which leads me to the classic funny about it. 

* * * * *

(A “mitzvah” is a commandment or a moral deed performed as a religious duty). 

Preparing for their religious wedding, a modern Orthodox Jewish couple met with their rabbi for counselling. Before leaving the meeting, the rabbi asked if they had any last minute questions. 

"Rabbi," the man asked, "we realise that it is tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women, at the reception, but we would like to ask for your permission to dance together." 

"Most definitely not!" replied the rabbi. "It is immodest. Men and women always dance separately." 

"Then I can't even dance with my wife after the ceremony?" asked the man. 

"NO!" answered the rabbi. "It is strictly forbidden." 

"Well, what about sex?" the man asked. "Is it permitted for us to finally have sex?" 

"Oh, certainly," the rabbi said. "Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to have children." 

"What about different positions?" the man inquired. 

"That's no problem," said the rabbi. ""It's a mitzvah." 

"Even with the woman on top, or doggy style?" the man asked. 

"Sure," answered the rabbi. "Go for it, after all, it's a mitzvah." 

"Can we even do it on the bed, with mirrors on the ceiling, a vibrator and a bottle of hot oil?" asked the man. 

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah," the rabbi replied. 

"What about doing it standing up?" asked the man. 

"No! No!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Absolutely not! NEVER standing up!" 

"Why not?" the confused man asked. 

"That could lead to dancing!" the rabbi replied. 

Corn Corner: 

* * * * *

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for aromatic duck'' 

* * * * *

I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bi-satchel. 

* * * * *

I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.  

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