Friday, August 16, 2019

Funny Friday


Yep, it's time for Funny Friday but there is some risque content ahead, so be warned.


Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one says “I’ll have H2O please”. The second chemist says “I’ll have water too”. The first chemist scowls, his assassination attempt failed.

Okay, I’ll you what the joke is. H20 is water.  Had the second chemist said “I’ll have some H2O too” – H2O2 – he would have been given hydrogen peroxide.


How do I know China has Free Speech?

No one says otherwise.


A woman is shopping in the produce department. She approaches the clerk. “Excuse me, but where is the broccoli?” she asks. He says, “Sorry, we are out of broccoli. Come back tomorrow.”

The woman continues shopping, but approaches the clerk again a few minutes later. “I need broccoli. Where is it?” “Ma’am,” the clerk says, “we are out of broccoli. Come back tomorrow.” The woman seems to understand. But ten minutes go by and she is back. “Where is the broccoli?” Once again, the clerk tells her that they are fresh out of broccoli and to come back in the morning.

The clerk continues stocking the shelves, but soon the woman is back. “ I can’t find the broccoli,” she says. The clerk asks the woman “Excuse me, but could you tell me how to spell dog, like dogmatic?”  “D O G”, the woman says. “What about cat, like catastrophe?”  “ You spell it C A T.”  “Very good,” the clerk says. “What about fuck, like in broccoli?”  “There is no fuck in broccoli,” the woman says.

“Exactly,” says the clerk.


Harold and Ethel had been happily married for years, except for one quirk

Every morning when Harold woke up, he would announce his consciousness to Ethel in the form of a great trumpeting fart, the kind that make the covers billow. This annoyed Ethel, and she'd taken to telling him, "Dammit Harold, one of these days you are going to shit your guts out." Harold would always just grin and go about his morning ritual.

One year for Thanksgiving, Ethel had to get up early to prep the turkey. As she was removing the bird's giblets, she had a wonderful idea for a practical joke. She quietly tiptoed into their bedroom while Harold was still asleep, and gently slipped some of the lumpier gibs into his boxer briefs and snuck back to the kitchen giggling to herself.

About a half hour or so later, she heard the usual morning trumpeting but this time accompanied by a blood-curdling scream, followed by loud footsteps and the slamming of their bathroom door. Ethel laughed to herself and went on with the meal prep.

About 10 minutes later Harold emerged from the bathroom with a triumphant smile on his face. "Ethel, you were right, my morning methane had such a powerful follow through that I went and shit my guts right out. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, everything's gonna be alright."


From the vault:

A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night.

The cowboy approaches the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.

The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied,

'Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'


Limerick of the Week:

A young violinist from Rio
Was seducing a woman named Cleo.
As she took down her panties
She said, "No andantes;
I want this allegro con brio!"

Andante:  moderately slow
Allegro con brio: lively, with spirit, with energy


Corn Corner:

To whoever stole my shoes and hi-vis vest . . .
You can run but you can't hide.

So what if I don't know what the apocalypse means?
It's not the end of the world.

If a guy with only one arm speaks sign language,
is it a speech impediment or an accent?

During a recent archaeological dig, researchers believe they have found the worlds first tampon...
...but they don't know from what period.

How do Ethiopian horses ward evil spirits away from their harnesses?
They bless the reins down in Africa.

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