Friday, October 18, 2019

Funny Friday


Another Friday, some humour from around the globe . . .


A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper.

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. “Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?”

Moshe replied, “I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!”

 A Kiwi and an Aussie went fishing one afternoon and decided to have a couple of cold beers. After a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi, "If I was to sneak over to your house and made wild passionate love to your wife while you were at work, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?" 

The Kiwi after a great deal of thought, says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."

A burnt out advertising executive decides he has had enough of the rat race & buys a property way out west. No electricity, no phones - no company.

He has read everything he can &, after a few weeks is getting a bit bored. One afternoon he seens the dust coming up way in the distance coming towards him, a while later a crusty old bushie gets out of a battered holden ute and puts out his hand.

"Hello mate, I'm your closest neighbour, live about 20 miles up the road, thought we'd chuck ya a bash to welcome you to the area."

"Sounds great" says the ad-man.

"I hear you city boys like your drugs and drink so we'll get that in for ya."

"Sounds awesome" says the ad-man

"We tend to get a bit punchie and horny 'round here after all those drugs & drink though, can ya handle yerself if a blue kicks off or a bit of sex is on the cards?"

"I go alright" say the ad-man.

"This all sounds great, what time should I come and what should I wear?"

"Doesn't really mattter" says the bushie "it is only going to be you and me".......

A Turk, an American and a Russian are going on a space mission.  They’ll have to stay for a year and observe various space anomalies.  Before they go, they are given the right of picking a stock of something they like for keeping their morale up.

The Russian goes for Vodka and he gets 200 bottles of Smirnoff.  The American wants some bacon, it’s granted. And finally the Turk gets 500 cartons of fine quality cigarettes.

Days pass and finally the mission is over, after a glorious landing, astronauts are finally on the deck.  The Russian blacks out because of alcohol poisoning and immediately gets medical attention, an ambulance drives him away.  The American collapses, because of his unhealthy choice of treat and he too is immediately given medical attention.

And now, everybody’s eyes are on The Turk, people are very curious and still waiting.  After a couple of minutes of waiting, he rushes out of the rocket, with bloodshed eyes and an unlit cigarette in his mouth.

He cries out: “For fucks sake, give me a lighter!”

An English man, French, Israeli, Spanish and German are watching a street performance. The performer stands on a box and asks," Can you see me?"

The Englishman answers" Yes"

The Frenchman answers "Oui"

The Israeli answers "Ken"

The Spanish man answers "Si"

The German answers “Ja"


Limerick of the Week:

There was a young girl named Ann Heuser
Who swore that no man could surprise her.
        But Pabst took a chance,
        Found a Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder Budweiser.

. . . and speaking of Pabst . . . 


From the vault:

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.

I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you.I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."


Corn Corner:
Why are murders in Tasmania so hard to solve?
Because there are no dental records and all the DNA matches.

A man walks into a French man in a urinal
“Sorry!” He says, “I didn’t realise European!”

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