Sunday, March 13, 2022

More Unofficial Rules for Living in Australia

It is compulsory for the audience to sing a response to the line “Am I ever gonna see your face again?” in the Angels’ song of that name, the response being “No way. Get fucked, Fuck off.”

See and hear it at:

After fixing anything at all, no matter how half-arsed, you are required to proudly exclaim "good as new!"

It’s a long way to the shop if you want a sausage roll.

“Bastard” is a term of affection. “A bit of a bastard” is the gravest insult known to exist.

Down the beach, car keys go in your shoe, where they're perfectly safe. Sunscreen water etc piled on top and covered with your towel.

If your boots or gloves have been outside always bash them against the house or fence before putting them on

always downplay everything.
heatwave? she's a bit warm today eh?
flooding? little bit damp ain't it?
sick as a dog? i'm a bit crook mate

Voting is compulsory, and so is partaking in the "democracy sausage" sizzle. Vegetarianism, veganism, and religious observance allows for an exemption to the democracy sausage rule, on strict condition of participation in the cake stall.

I live just down the road, it's only 150 km.

Always quote old Australian ads:
Not happy Jan!
Don't chop the dinosaur daddy!
Those bears know how to have a good time
Marge, the rains are 'ere!

If it's over 30 degrees you must ask everyone you see "hot enuff for ya?"

Any alcohol left unopened at the end of the night, now belongs to the host.

If a mate invites you to a barbie you must NEVER take over the tongs unless invited no matter how badly the host is fucking it up.

Walk on the left, on the sidewalk, up or down escalators, walkways, corridors.

You must call your underwear your Reg Grundies, When everything’s going wrong you’re having a Barry Crocker, a fifty’s a Pineapple, twenty’s a lobster, when you’re having a good time you’re having a cracker or a belter, and you must get used to the nuanced yet definitive deference between shortening a word and adding an “O” and shortening it and adding a “y”. e.g Australians would never shorten David to Davey, always Davo, afternoon is Arvo but you’d never say Mike-O. You’d also never chuck a U-O at a set of traffic lights, it’s a U-ey. It’s also completely acceptable to use the word cunt with good friends in a friendly manner without upsetting anyone. eg “Hey, Davo! Great to see you ya ‘ol cunt. Howzit garn?”

In every crew of Tradies, it is absolutely mandatory that there is at least one Dave.

If you ever strap something down in your ute, give the strap a hearty tug and proudly exclaim "Yep, that's not going anywhere"

More than 2 shakes is a wank.

You can only kill spiders and cockroaches with a thong.

Always donate to the local SLSC collecting outside the bottle-o.

If This is Australia or Land Down Under is playing in the background it is a requirement to either sing along or bop your head in unison

Thank ya bus driver

If you see a stationary speed camera or rbt, ya give a flash to the on coming vehicle.

Thank the drivers who stopped at a pedestrian crossing with a wave.

Not grabbing your mate a beer when getting one for yourself , no matter if they have a full one, is an illegal shout and you can no longer be mates

if there's an ambo driving up with their lights on, not only do you move out of the way (even mounting the curb to do so), but you make space for others to do the same.

its a weirdly encouraging aspect of mate-hood that it just happens.

When you are talking to a tourist, you must make yourself sound as 'Australian' as possible, Crocodile Dundee impressions are encouraged.

When it rains saying something akin to 'well the dams/tanks need it'

Don't think I've heard those but along the same lines "Good for the farmers" "good weather to be a duck"

Line/queue rules are sacred.
You wait your turn.
You do not cut in line, or push to the front.

Pineapple belongs on pizza

Beetroot belongs on hamburgers

When anything bad happens (to someone or something) replying with “She’ll be right” 😊

Never look at another man’s wang when pissing at the urinal.

It is compulsory to warn tourists coming to Australia of the risk of drop bears, dangerous and deadly bears which drop out of trees and kill people.  The thing is, that there is no such thing but the Brit interviewer in the following clip did not know that . . .

By the way, I hate Vegemite 

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