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SOME HUMOUR:
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Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Guy: That’s when I went to Yale...
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Guy: Thanks. I really needed this yob.
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An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. Abe replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed Abe called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
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Last winter I was at work and my wife text me saying "Windows frozen".
I sent one back saying "Pour lukewarm water on it".
A few minutes later she text back saying "The computer's completely fucked now."
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About 45 pounds.
What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?
45 minutes.
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A local charity realised that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer thought about it for a minute and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the volunteer mumbled, "Um... No."
"Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken volunteer began to stammer out an apology, but was cut off.
"Third, that my sister's husband died in a horrific traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated volunteer, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "... And I don't give them any goddamn money, so why should I give any to you?!?"
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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:
Up the street sex is sold by the piece
And I wish that foul traffic would cease;
It’s a shame and improper,
And I’d phone for a copper
But that’s where you’ll find the police.
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GALLERY:
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CORN CORNER:
A friend told me my thinking is too one-dimensional.
I can't imagine y.
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2 guys walk into a bar.
The first guys says I'll get H2O.
The second guys says I'll get H2O too.
He died.
(H2O2 = Hydrogen Peroxide).
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It doesn't matter how kind you are
German children are always Kinder.
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Batman says to Alfred, “I’m really tired Alfred, it's been an exhausting day, please can you just get the bathtub ready for me?"
Alfred replies, "Master Wayne, what is a htub?"
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Did you hear about the farmer whose wife left him for a traveling tractor salesman?
She wrote him a John Deere letter.
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