Friday, December 16, 2022



t's beginning to look a lot like Christmas everywhere you go . . . 

Actually it isn't, and that is happening more and more each year: less decorations, less lights, less cards, less feeling of Christmas approaching.  Except for the shopping malls and supermarkets.  They are wishing us a happy holiday (Christmas is now the new C-word) and playing yule elevator music as you walk past the C-word food items, gifts and decorations for sale.

Not so at Bytes, dear readers . . . 

Yes, Virginia, there is a Christmas and it hasn't yet gone the way of the dodo, hoop skirts and moustache wax.  

So enjoy some items of Christmas humour, readers, as well as non-Christmas, but as usual, a caution that there is risque content ahead.



A lord was entertaining some guests at his country estate and they were playing cricket. The lord was batting and his chief footman was the umpire. A guest bowled and plainly caught the lord l. b. w.

They appealed to the footman, who said,' Lord Melford; is not at home.'

'What?' said the lord.

'Well, m’lord,' said the footman,' to speak plainly, you're out!'

A child psychologist had twin boys, one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games. In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings.

That night, the father found the pessimistic boy surrounded by his gifts, crying. “What’s wrong?” the father asked. “I have a ton of game manuals to read … I need batteries … and my toys will all eventually get broken!” sobbed the pessimist. “My brother is probably having a lot more fun than me.”

Passing the optimistic boy’s room, the father found him dancing for joy around the pile of manure. “Why are you so happy?” he asked. The optimist boy said happily, “There must be a pony in here somewhere!”

The lead actress in the local theatre production of the "Diary of Anne Frank" was so awful that in the scene where the Nazi officer enters and shouts " Where is she? ", half the audience shouted "In the attic."

Once there was a young man with a wooden eye and he was very selfconscious of it.

Every year, the annual village dance comes around, and every year, he stands off to the side, feeling sorry for himself.

This year was no different. As he's standing there, all melancholy, he spots a young lady with a wooden leg. She too is standing aside and looking sad.

The young man thinks, "Now, I know I'm no Prince Charming, but I bet if I ask that lady for a dance, she'll say yes." So he works up his courage, puts on a brave face, and walks over to her.

"Pardon me ma'am, but w-w-would you dance with me??"

Surprised, she exclaimed, "Ohh, wouldn’ I? Wouldn’ I!"

"Nevermind then, peg leg! PEG LEG!!"

A musician walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

"I play flute in a travelling orchestra" he said. "Last month, we played for the Ottoman Sultan. He liked our performance and ordered to fill our instruments with sapphires. The cello got 1000 sapphires in, the drum got 2000 sapphires in, this piece of trash didn't get even one in.

Last week, we played for the German Kaiser, and he also liked our performance and ordered to fill our instruments with gold. Cello got 2000 coins in, drum got 4000 coins in, this piece of trash didn't get even one in.

Yesterday, we played for the Russian Czar, he said we are playing out of tune and ordered to shove our instruments up our asses. The drum didn't get in, the cello didn't get in, this piece of trash went in all the way to B flat!"


A German tourist jumped in freezing water to save my little drowning dog.

When he climbed out and gave me my dog he said "Here is ze dog, keep him varm and dry him off. he vill be fine"

I said "Are you a vet?"

He replied “Vet?.. I'm fucking soaking."



There was a young student named Jones
Who’d reduce any maiden to moans
By his wonderful knowledge,
Acquired in college,
Of nineteen erogenous zones.







This year, Home Depot is selling Christmas decorations in the second aisle of the housewares section.

Aisle B, Home for Christmas.

This Christmas in England, naughty children will be given £1 coins instead of an expensive lump of coal.

Last Christmas, I told my 5 year old nephew that soiling your pants is just an accident and there’s no shame for an accident.

But to this day that little fucker keeps teasing me about it.

Tampax recently announced they will be removing the string from their tampons and replacing it with tinsel.

This will be for the Christmas period only

For Christmas, my dad came out as a woman.

I can no longer see her - she has become trans-parent


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