Friday, December 23, 2022


The last Funny Friday before Christmas, Byters, tomorrow is Christmas Eve and there is still time to be a little irreverent by recycling Christmas humour from past Bytes. If you don’t recall them from before they are as good as new.

It may be Christmas but a caution nonetheless: risquΓ© content ahead.



A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

In a small Southern US town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said

"See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

Supposedly some true stories . . .

A boy wanted to be Joseph in the Sunday School pageant. He was cast as the landlord and objected loudly, but to no avail. When the pageant was presented, Mary and Joseph knocked on the door and asked him if he had a room for them. The boy smiled and said, "Yes, sure. Lots of room. Come on in!"

At Sunday school, the younger children were drawing pictures illustrating Biblical stories. The teacher walked by and noticed one little boy was drawing an airplane! "Oh, what Bible story are you drawing?" she asked. "This is the Flight into Egypt," the little boy answered. "See, here is Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus. And this," he said, pointing to the front of the plane, "is Pontius. He's the Pilot."

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"


I hate this time of year, all the adverts on the TV, leaflets through the doors, emails, more adverts, wherever you go there's some sort of in your face advertising campaign shoving Christmas down your throat. When did our once great nation become such sellouts for a fast payday. Its sad to see how society is manipulated. Thankfully over at things are different.

It was a cold and misty Christmas morning in the very depth of Winter after a heavy fall of snow and only one farmer and the minister managed to arrive at the church for the morning service. “Well”, said the clergyman “'I guess there's no point in having a service today.” “Well that's not how I see it,” said the farmer. “If only one cow turns up at feeding time, I still feed it.'

Three Wise Women
(as opposed to Three Wise Men)

Do you know what would have happened if there had been Three Wise WOMEN instead of Three Wise MEN?

The WOMEN would have:

- Asked directions, - Arrived on time,

- Helped deliver the baby,

- Cleaned the stable,

- Made a casserole, and

- Brought practical gifts (like diapers!)

The day after Christmas, I had a guy knock on my door, trying to preach to me about Jesus, saying how I should repent for my sins.

My 10-year-old son was still excited and ran to the door shouting "Santa Claus came to my house!"

The man looked at me and said "Isn't he a bit old to believe that there's an invisible man in the sky, watching everything you do, judging whether you're good or bad?"

I looked at him and asked "Sorry, which church were you from again?"

I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas tree.

The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?"

I replied, "No, you sick bastard. I'll be putting it up in my living room."

The 4 stages of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus
3. You dress up as Santa Claus
4. You look like Santa Claus


A young boy is out riding his brand new bicycle when he is stopped by a police officer riding a horse. The policeman says to the boy, "Did Santa Claus bring you that new bike for Christmas?"

The boy says, "He sure did." The policeman responds by saying with a grin, "Well next year, tell Santa to bring you a taillight for that bike. Here's a bicycle safety violation ticket for $25."

The boy asks the cop, "So did Santa bring you that horse for Christmas?"

The policeman jokingly says, "Yes he did."

The boy responds, "Well next year tell Santa to put the prick under the horse instead of on top!"



There was a young monarch named Ed
Who took Mrs Simpson to bed!
As they bounced up and down
He said “Bugger the Crown!
We’ll give it to Betrie instead”



Christmas lights . . . 

"Meh" is a Yiddish expression of boredom and indifference, the word equivalent of a shrug of the shoulders.

More decorated palm trees



So this is Christmas, and what have you done?

The start of a John Lennon song, or the wife about to start an argument?

All you people telling me to take down the Christmas decorations all year.

Well, who’s laughing now?

Do you know anyone who will be alone without family or friends for Christmas?

Because I need to borrow some chairs.

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