LAUGH

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A mixed collection today, folks, something for everyone.

As usual, enjoy.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.

"Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

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The other day my son asked, "Dad, why is it important for a man to use a condom during sex?"

I said, "Well son, because it can help him avoid having to answer questions like this."

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Abraham Lincoln's wife once said "Would it kill you to take me to a show every once in a while!?"

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Professor Stephen Hawking rolled into a fancy dress shop.

"Good morning," he said to the shopkeeper, in his famous robotic voice. "It's my science department's annual Dr Who fancy dress party tonight. Would you have a Tom Baker outfit for rental?"

"I'm sorry Mr Hawking, he replied. "I just rented the last one out yesterday."

"Oh dear," artificially exclaimed Hawking. "How about Jon Pertwee?"

"I'm afraid we don't stock the Pertwee. Sorry, professor."

"What about a David Tennant costume then, the tenth Doctor?"

"Oh, you're not going to like this," said the shop owner, sucking through his teeth. "That one's on loan this week too."

"Oh, for God's sake!!" moaned Hawking. "Guess I'll just be a fucking Dalek again."

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People say I'm condescending.

That means I talk down to people.

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

A US based limerick in recognition of the recent Independence Day . . .

There was a young lady of Michigan

Who said ‘Damn it ! I’ve got the itch again’.

Said her mother, ‘That’s strange,

I’m surprised it ain’t mange,

If you’ve slept with that son-of-a-bitch again.’

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GALLERY:

Sent to me by Leo M, thanks Leo . . .

As you have probably gathered, I love the Brit Herman cartoons of the late Jim Unger (1937-2012) – love the humour, the understated sarcasm, the depiction of the suburban husbands and wives, the faces and the drawings. They are funny even before you read the words.

This is a pic of Jim Unger:

Here is some more Herman:

And again for our US readers (G'day Ron) . . . 

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RELIGION SPOT

Mary comes home after tending to the garden.

Joseph has a warm pie on the table. He cuts Mary a piece of pie and she is thrilled by how amazing it tastes. So she asks Joseph, “Where did you get this pie from?”

Joseph tells Mary “I baked it!”

“Baked it?” says Mary.

“Yes, right here in our home from scratch!” says Joseph.

Mary looks at him confused then says “But we don’t have an oven.”

So Joseph looks her straight in the eyes and says “God helped me.”

Mary looks at Joseph annoyed, “Please, not this again” as Joseph screams:

“YOU SEE HOW THAT SOUNDS MARY?!?!?!?”

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LAW & LAWYERS

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, “Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”

The attorney said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.” Saul replied enthusiastically,

“Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

The attorney replied, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”

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CORN CORNER:

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In my twenties, I lived in a houseboat and I started dating the girl next door.

Eventually we drifted apart.

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What do you call a bear missing an ear?

A b

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Sometimes I use big words I don't understand

I think it makes me sound a bit more photosynthesis

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Bought a dog from a blacksmith today.

As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

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