Thursday, September 21, 2023


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A varied collection today, folks, hopefully some will raise a smile.

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At a girls' boarding school, a WW2 flying ace has been invited to give the Prize Day address.

"I was flying along in my Spitfire, and visibility was poor, but all of a sudden the fog lifted, and I saw these fokkers coming up behind me. I dived on them and shot two of the fokkers down, then did a quick roll, but there was a little fokker right on my tail, and I had to ..."

At this point, the Headmistress intervenes. "Girls, Fokker was a manufacturer of aircraft, used by the Luftwaffe."

"Very true, ma'am!" says the RAF pilot. "But these fokkers were Messerschmitts."

A correction in respect of the above:

Fokkers were used in WWI as they were tri-planes.

The Focke-Wulf 190 however was one of the most notable German aircraft of the Second World War.

Apparently the person in the above story was reputed to be Douglas ‘Tin Legs’ Bader. On being asked, Bader said that it was not he who had spoken the above words but he wished that it had been.

Arriving, on invitation, to meet a group of ex Luftwaffe pilots and upon entering the room, Bader said “My god, I had no idea we left so many of you bastards alive!"

By the way:

In 1943 Wing Commander Guy Gibson was on a PR tour of the United States with Churchill. He attended a press briefing, and this was at a time when the first US airmen were coming home after completing a tour of 25 missions.

The story goes the US press corp were bigging up their hero boys, 25 missions over Nazi Germany, such heroic feats of stalwart endurance and bravery. Apparently, one reporter not realising who Gibson was, thinking he was just a PR face, asked, "and Wing Commander, how many missions have you been on?"

His answer of "174" apparently stunned the room to silence.

Guy Gibson led the "Dam Busters" raid in 1943, resulting in the breaching of two large dams in the Ruhr area of Germany. Awarded the Victoria Cross, he was the most highly decorated British serviceman at that time. Sadly, he was killed in action in 1944 at the age of 26.

Guy Gibson

Daughter: "Mum, I'm dating the neighbour"

Mother: "But he could be your father..."

Daughter: "Age doesn't count for me, Mum!"

Mother:" I don't think you understand..."

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out...

"Pa you need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin' wrong with it."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is; now git out there and fix it."

So.......Paw mosies out to the outhouse, looks around, and yells back,

"Ma there ain't nuthin' wrong with this outhouse honey! "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin' my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around, and yells back,

"Ma - dadgummit there ain't nuthin' wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head outta da hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, and then starts yelling,

"Ma - Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?"

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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk." The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a grey-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

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A book and a jug and a dame,
And a nice cosy nook for the same.
‘And I don’t care a damn,’
Said Omar Khayyam,
‘What you say, It’s a great little game.’

Original verse:
“Here with a Loaf of Bread beneath the Bough,
A Flask of Wine, a Book of Verse - and Thou
Beside me singing in the Wilderness -
And Wilderness is Paradise enow.”
― Omar Khayyรกm, Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam

Khayyam (1048-1131) was a Persian polymath, mathematician, philosopher, astronomer, physician, and poet.

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A court hearing a case about theft in a major company. . . 

Judge: Witness Sawyer, are you aware what awaits you in case of false testimony?

Secretary: Yes, Your Honour, the boss was saying something about ten thousand dollars and a mink fur coat.

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Shocking to hear about Russell Brand, isn't it?

I had no idea he was a comedian.

Someone has suggested that newspaper reports should refer to him as "Alleged comedian Russell Brand . . . "

I had to go to the doctor's today...

...and he asked me what he said were routine questions...

He asked, "Do you drink?"

I said I do.

He said, "Do you smoke?"

I said a little bit, mainly when I drink.

He leaned in and said, "And do you do drugs?"

I shamefully admitted that, well, yeah, I do.

He sat back, looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Wanna hang out on Friday?"

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