Thursday, May 30, 2024


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collection of humour from around the world, some from past Bytes.


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I was at college today studying Scottish history and we were all given iPads to do some research. I asked the class ”What’s the password?”

A fellow student goes “It’s Oreo’s, mate”

So for about ten minutes I sat there trying to figure out how to spell Oreos correctly as I was always one letter short so eventually I asked again “What did you say the password was again, Oreos, right?

Fellow student says “Naw mate, it’s aw zeros”

A cabby picked up 3 rather large women and was taking them downtown. As they were talking he thought he detected a Scottish accent. he asked "Are you three ladies from Scotland?"

They looked at each other silently, then one of the sneered at him and said "It's Wales, you idiot."

"Oh, excuse me. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

Bono asked for silence at a gig in Scotland...

In the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands. Once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

From the front of the crowd, a broad Scottish accent pierced the silence: "Well fuckin' stop doin' it then ya evil bastard!"



I recently visited Australia, it’s such a nasty, horrible place.

Everyone I met told me “Go die”.

If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?


Did you know that "boo" means "return" in Australia?

If you throw just meringue, it won't come back.


New Zealand:

Why wasn’t Jesus born in modern day New Zealand?

God couldn’t find 3 wise men and a virgin.

An Australian ventriloquist goes on holiday to New Zealand.

He says to New Zealand farmer that he meets: ‘G'day mate, can I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Horses don't talk you stupid Aussie!'

Aussie: 'Hey horse, is this Kiwi your owner?'

The horse nods, to the Kiwi's surprise.

Aussie: 'How does he treat you?'

Horse: 'He treats me well. Feeds me the best hay and rides me twice a day.'

Aussie: 'Mate, would I be able to talk with your dog?'

Kiwi: (stares nervously), 'I'm pretty sure dogs can't speak either.'

Aussie: 'Dog, is this Kiwi your owner?'

Dog: ’Yes’.

Aussie: 'Does he treat you well?'

Dog: 'He feeds me twice a day and throws the ball to me, so I've got that going for me.'

Aussie: 'Can I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: 'Don't trust that sheep, he's a bloody liar!'

A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir." the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager. "My wife is from New Zealand!"

"Really?" replied the boy. "Who did she play for?"



I'm American, and I'm sick of hearing that America is the stupidest country in the world.

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world...

What is the difference between Americans and the British?

Americans think 200 years is a long history, while the British think 200 miles is a long trip.

(In the USA, a church from 1750 is ancient.
In the UK, it's nothing special to see a church from 1100.
In the UK the quickest route from Lands End to John O'Groats is 837 miles.
In just the state of Florida from Perdido Key to Key West is 856 miles.
The USA is young and large.)

“God created war so that Americans would learn geography.”

- Mark Twain.

"So José, how was America?"

"Oh it was wonderful, amigo, those Americans are so kind. I went to go watch a real American baseball game but the tickets were all sold out. Feeling bummed out I walked around the side of the stadium when I saw a flag pole right next to the field! I climbed right up it and could see the whole baseball diamond with the players getting ready for the game."

"You had to watch from a flag pole? I thought you said the Americans were nice."

"Oh they are amigo! Before the game began every American stood up, looked right at me, and hollered, "José, can you see?"

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From Bytes, October 27, 2017:

Last week at trivia, one of the questions was “Where was the last oil fire put out by the famed Red Adair?”

Locals may recall that in 1968 Red Adair extinguished an oil well fire in Bass Strait (for those wondering where that is, it is the body of water that separates Tasmania from Australia (yes, I know that Tasmania is part of Australia but it pisses off the Tasmanians to hear that and my brother liveD there).

Red died in 2004 aged 89. In his more than 50 years as a firefighter he extinguished nearly 3000 oil well fires. Among them were 119 fires in Kuwaiti oil fields at the end of the 1991 Gulf War, the infamous "Devil's Cigarette Lighter" in Algeria in 1962 whose 240-metre flames were seen from space by astronaut John Glenn, the 1979 blowout of Mexico's Ixtoc-1 well in the Bay of Campeche and the 1988 Piper Alpha platform disaster in the North Sea that killed 167 men. John Wayne's 1968 flick Hellfighters is loosely based on Red Adair.

The joke:

When Saddam Hussein set the Kuwaiti oil wells on fire when facing defeat in the Iraq war, the Kuwaiti oil sheiks sought to recruit legendary Texas firefighter Red Adair to put out the fires.

When Red was first approached by a representative for the sheiks he replied that he was too busy, that he had more work than he could handle as it was but that his Irish cousin, Green Adair, might be able to deal with it.

The sheik telephoned Green and asked “Hello, is that Green Adair ….. ?”

“Yess, sorr, dat’s roight, 'tis me, Green Adair, at yer service …” said the voice at the end of the line.

“Mr Adair, that terrible man Saddam Hussein has set fire to our oil wells. Can you come and help us?”

The Irishman thought for a second and replied “Oh, I don’t know sorr, we’re awful busy at der moment . . .”

“We will pay you ten million pounds per oil well, Mr Adair” responded the sheik.

“Me an’ de lads‘ll be over in der mornin’ sorr …..” replied Green.

The next day at first light, a military jumbo circled the raging fires and then proceeded to land a short distance from the largest blaze. The cargo doors opened and a battered dark blue truck came hurtling down the ramp and sped right into the middle of the flaming inferno. As it came to a halt all of the doors opened and twenty Irish navvies in jackets and boots jumped out and started to furiously stamp up and down on the flames and beat the flames with their jackets.

Eventually the fire was extinguished. With BBC cameras filming and people patting Green on the back, Green was approached by the sheik who said to him “That was magnificent, remarkable. Tell me what you want and it is yours, ask anything.”

“Well.” replied Green, “der first ting, we’ll get der brakes on dat fockin’ trock fixed.”

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There once was a member of Mensa
Who was a most excellent fencer.
The sword that he used
Was his -- (line is refused,
And has now been removed by the censor).

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I'm not saying I'm getting old, But when I asked who was playing in a soccer game and they said Austria-Hungary, I asked "against whom?"

I asked my wife, “What’s a three letter word for eggs?”

Her: It’s ova.

Me: Why? Because I suck at crosswords?

Couldn't figure out what church to go to so I decided to go to the Catholic one based on the name...

Turns out I wasn't the only one addicted to cats, but that wasn't the reason everyone else seemed to be there...

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