Friday, January 31, 2014

Funny Friday

I confess that I am not a fisherman.  I cannot see the enjoyment in having a barbed hook enter the flesh of a living creature, subjecting it to torment for some period, then throwing it back in the water.  It brings to mind Clement Freud's quote on the topic of fishing and attitudes of the British:  

"The depressing thing about an Englishman's traditional love of animals is the dishonesty thereof ... Get a barbed hook into the upper lip of a salmon, drag him endlessly around the water until he loses his strength, pull him to the bank, hit him on the head with a stone, and you may well become fisherman of the year. Shoot the salmon and you'll never be asked again."

Nonetheless for those who do like to pursue that pastime, and even for those who don't, here is some fishing humour for today's Funny Friday.

Caution: risque language and swear words ahead.

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A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' licence, boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing licence. "Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid licence!" "Yes, sir," replied the young guy. "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one." 

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It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish. The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying." So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!" 

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The next item has been posted previously in Bytes but is worth repeating in the context of fishing.  It is followed by a variation on that joke that I recently came across.  The first has risque language.

Version 1:

Out fishing with a sailor friend, a priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in , the sailor says, "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!" "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry Father, but that’s what this fish is called - it's a fucker fish!"

Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church."Look at this huge Fucker," says the priest, spotting the Bishop. "Language, please! This is God’s house," replies the Bishop. "No, no – that’s what this fish is called," says the priest. "Oh," says the Bishop, scratching his chin. " I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner."

So the Bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the Mother Superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.
"No, Sister, that’s what this fish is called - a fucker," says the Bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the Mother Superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, the Pope is coming for dinner!"

The fish tastes just great and the Pope asks where they got it. 

"Well, I caught the fucker!" says the Priest. "And I cleaned the fucker!" says the Bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" says the Mother Superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says, " You know what? You cunts are alright!" 

Version 2:

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, odd looking fish. A man was walking by and said, "Wow! What a nice goddam Fish!" The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use Lord's name in vain." The man said, "But that's the species of the fish, a 'Gauddam' Fish." The sister said, "Oh, in that case, it's okay." The sister took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught." Shocked, the Mother Superior said, "Sister, you know better than that." The nun said, "That's the name of its species - a Gauddam Fish." So, the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me that Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it." While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught." Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn't talk like that!" Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it - a Gauddam Fish." Monsignor said, "Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it." That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, "Wow, what a nice fish." In reply, the sister said, "Thank you, I caught the Gauddam Fish." And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the Gauddam Fish." And Monsignor said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish." The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said, "I'm starting to like this fucking place!"

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Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place: 

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." 

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." 

They continue to fish when they realised that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?" 

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, Fishing or sex," and she said, "Wear a sweater".

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Corn Corner:

I couldn't separate these two for picking today's Corn Corner item so her they both are:

I phoned up the fishing helpline today.
I said, "I'm crap at fishing and need some tips."
The man said, "Okay, can you hold the line?"
I replied, "No."

I saw a guy fishing the other day and I asked him, "Have you caught anything?"
He said, "I've caught loads today."
"Using worms, are you?"
"No, licorice."
"What have you caught with that?"
"All sorts," he said.

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