Friday, September 19, 2014

Funny Friday

The Scots are in the news, so . . .

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"How's the flat you're living in in London, Jock?" asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen. 

"It's okay," he replies, "but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall." 

"Never you mind," says his mother, "don't you let them get to you, just ignore them." 

"Aye, that I do," he says, "I just keep playing my bagpipes."

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Jock bought a bottle of fine whiskey but while walking home he fell.

Getting up he felt something wet on his pants.

He looked up at the sky and said, "Lord, please. I beg you, let it be blood!"

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Being from Scotland, I love the summer.

It's my favourite day of the year.

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Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone into foreclosure and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. 

"God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!" 

Lottery night! Someone else wins.

Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!" Lottery night again! Still no luck... Jock prays again.  

"Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"

Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and the voice of God Himself thunders:

"Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!"

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The UK Government has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country if they vote for independence.

I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.

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I grew up in Glasgow in the 1970s.

If you want to know what Glasgow was like in the 1970s, go there now.

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A Scots woman goes in a dry cleaning shop and says to the shop owner, "Can I sit down for a wee while, I have a bairn."

The posh shop owner replies, "I'm sorry, we don't repair scorched clothing."

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. 

After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.

After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall.

He asks the barman, "What the fuck is that?"

The barman says, "It's a Moose."

The Scottish chap says, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

* * * * * * * *
Alisdair Biggar, a Scotsman, applied to join to the New York City police force. 

The inspector glared at him and asked, 'How would you disperse a large, unruly crowd?'

'Well,' replied Alisdair thoughtfully, 'I'm no too sure how ye do it here in New York, but in Aberdeen we just pass the hat around, and they soon begin to shuffle off.'

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Corn Corner:

Maître d'hôtel: 'Are you here for a special occasion?'

Campbell: 'Aye, we won the third prize in the annual Robert Burns Contest, a haggis dinner for two.'

Maître d'hôtel: 'What were the other prizes?'

Campbell: The second prize was a single haggis dinner, and, if you won the first prize, you didnae have to eat the haggis.'

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