Friday, February 6, 2015

Funny Friday

This week: reader contributions
Some humour from Byter Vince:

Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and Taramasalata. 

It's a double dip recession.
Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco. 

Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
Police stop a Pakistani in his transit van on the motorway. Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 50?" 

The driver l
Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them.. 

"Bollocks to that" said Paddy "That's the last time I go lion dancing"
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". 

Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. 

To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
From Byter Leo:

When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor so took the entrance exam to go to Medical School . One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered spine are doctors today. 

The rest of us are sending jokes via email.
Also from Leo:

When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarised recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch. What they did take, however, was a white box filled with a grayish-white powder. (That's the way the police report described it.)

A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time. Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: "Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago."

The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The white box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained. 

Scotch taped to the box was this note which said: "Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day." 

Comments:, the authoritative site for debunking claims and urban myth, says that the above is only partly true. See:

In 1993 thieves did break into Radlich’s home in Florida and made off with a package wrapped in cellophane containing greyish white powder. It had been kept in a fishing tackle box at the head of Radlich’s bed. The thieves had ignored the TV, VCR, radio and watch that were nearby and taken only the package wrapped in cellophane. Detectives believed that the thieves had mistaken the package, which contained the ashes of Radlich’s sister, for cocaine. Snopes says that the matter rests there. It could have been thieves hitting the jackpot; it could also be a relative or friend wanting a better final resting place for Radlich’s sister than a fishing tackle box. The above embellishments to the story were added later.

Snopes provides other examples of thieves mistaking cremated ashes, known as cremains (cremated remains) being mistaken for cocaine and stolen/snorted. One of the best is when thieves broke into the home of Dee Blyth in Chadwell Heath, Essex in 2000. Dee had felt quite bereft when she lost her beloved Labrador dog, Charlie. She had him cremated and kept his cremains on the mantelpiece in a pot. On the pot was the word “Charlie”. Here is where it gets good. In the UK the term Charlie is also slang for cocaine. Police called to the scene were told that the thieves had made off with two TV’s, a VCR, a stereo and gems worth £2,000. During the investigation they also discovered that some of Charlie’s ashes had been laid out in cocaine-style lines. They surmised that the thieves had snorted before departing. Perhaps they left Charlie when they didn’t get the hit they were expecting.
Also from Leo:

High Alert Causing Me Problems 

When I was at the checkout and ready to pay for my groceries the cashier said, 

“Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this security rubbish,

I did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my banking card.

Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.

I hate this getting older stuff. 

Corn Corner:

From Vince:

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"

The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".

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