Friday, July 1, 2016

Funny Friday

Caution: risque content and language below.

Today is the first day of the new financial year, so what better theme for Funny Friday than . . . money.

Here are some items.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money. 

Once upon a time, a guy was sitting at a bar. 
He was throwing money around, giving the barman hundred dollar tips and buying drinks for everyone. 
He was surrounded by a crowd of adoring women. 
The barman liked the tips, but he was kind of curious about a little man that would jump from the rich guy's pocket. The little man would run up and down the bar, kicking over the bowls of peanuts and giving people the finger. Then the little guy would jump back into the man's jacket for a while. 
The barman went over and asked the guy what was up. 
So the rich guy says, "Well, let me tell you a little story. I was walking along a beach one day, and I come across this lamp. I rub it, and a genie popped out. I got three wishes, so my first wish was to be fabulously wealthy. Then I wished for a harem. You can see I got both." 
The barman asks, "So what about that little guy in your jacket?" 
"Oh, that," mumbles the rich guy. "That's the twelve-inch prick I wished for." 

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. 

The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" 

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." 

The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. 

Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. 

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have." 

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?" 

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar." 

There was a new CEO at a company who decided to fire all of the slackers, and when he gets done with that, he finds a dude leaning on his desk. 
He thinks "What the #$%#@ is he doing!?" 
So he walks up to the guy and says "What the #$%#@ are you doing!?" 
The guy says "I'm waiting to get paid." 
The CEO says "OK, how much do you get paid in a week?" 
The guy says "About $300." 
The CEO gives the guy $1200, and says "Now go away and never come back!" 
The guy walks away. 
The CEO says "Will someone please tell me what the #$%#@ I just did!?" 
An employee says "You just tipped the pizza man $1200."

A woman said to her cheating husband "Do you want to see a crumpled up $50?" and he said "Yes" so she reached into her pocket, pulled it out and gave it to him. 

Then she said "Do you want to see a crumpled up $100?" and he said "Yes" So she reached into her pocket, pulled it out and gave it to him. 

Then she said " Do you want to see a crumpled up $50,000?” and he said "Yes." 

So she said “Go look at your car in the garage then.”

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him “I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.”
“Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears." 
"How much do you charge?" 
"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor. 
"I’ll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," I said. 
Six months later the psychiatrist met me on the street. "Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked. 
"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV." 
"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" 
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed – ain’t nobody under there now!"

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. 

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!" 

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge cheque yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" "Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the cheque," she says. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send cheques for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks. "Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn’t send that one, either." 

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?" Abe answers, "They’ll find us!"

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were "protecting." 
Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf and dumb person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing. 
On his first week, the collector picks up over $40,000. 
He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. 
The Mafia soon realises that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf and dumb collector. 
The hoods find the collector and ask him where the money is. 
The deaf and dumb collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. 
he Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." 
The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" 
The dumb man signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." 
The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." 
The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the dumb collector. 
"Now ask him where the money is!" 
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?”
The deaf man signs back, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park." 
The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."

A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help. 

"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her. 

The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Corn Corner:

A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it. The thief was spending less then his wife.

The other day I went to the ATM and this old woman asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.        
Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde? 

A: One's a phony buck. 

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