Friday, July 8, 2016

Funny Friday

Caution: risque content and risque language follows.

So here we are, another Friday and time for some humour to bring the week to a close.  Enjoy.

A millionaire who's a devout Catholic decides to go on a luxury trip to the Vatican to see the Pope in person. 

He flies out to Rome first class and arrives in that big square to listen to the Pope address the faithful.

Afterwards, the Pope comes among the people to meet and greet and deliver his blessings. The millionaire is standing there, near the front, wearing his finest Armani suit and his best gold jewelry and his chest puffs up as the Pope approaches. However, the Pope stops just before him and starts talking to a stinking, scruffy old tramp who was standing nearby. The Pontiff put his hand on the tramp's shoulder and whispers in his ear, then leaves him and walks straight past the millionaire. 

The rich guy was extremely upset, so he found the tramp and said "Look, if I give you my clothes, can I have yours?" The tramp agreed and so the next day, the millionaire, in his smelly rags, awaited his audience with the Pope. Once again, the Pope came among the people, saw the millionaire, unrecognisable through the grime, put his hand on his shoulder and whispered in his ear, "I thought I told you to fuck off!”

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence, because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine.

One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up.
When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?"
"I got into a fight with the apartment manager."
"Whatever for?"
"He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!"
"Hmmm. I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Green on the third floor."

An important person arranges to use an escort service and winds up with a beautiful Chinese girl who speaks little English, but hey, he wasn't in the mood for conversation anyway.

So they get at it, and she gets into it like no woman he's ever seen! She starts yelling a Chinese word and making faces and he can tell he's driving her crazy! He's never had it so good. 

The next morning, he's golfing with the Chinese ambassador and he makes a birdie. He suddenly remembers the word that the woman yelled at what must have been the moment of climax the night before and he yells it out. 

The ambassador looks at him rather oddly, looks at the pin, and says, "No, it is the right hole..."

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. It has been a busy day and Peter tella the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" 

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." 

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. 

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about Heaven being full and again asks for his story. 

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." 

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. 

The third man came to the front of the line and again Peter explained that Heaven was full and asked for his story. 

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realised I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me... Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.


Corn Corner:

Three men became priests in the Catholic church around the same time. Their names were Father John, Father Adams and Father SeCola. All three were good men, but it seemed that only Father John and 

Father Adams were destined to move up. And so they did, until the three were Cardinal John, Cardinal Adams, but still Father SeCola. 

In time the Pope passed away, and Cardinal John was given the honor. But Pope John had a weak heart, and he didn't last long. The flame was passed to Cardinal Adams, who was, unfortunately, assassinated.

Once again, Father SeCola was passed up.

This was the final insult for the good Father, who went into the church and prayed, "Father, I have served you faithfully. I have kept all your commandments, I have done everything you ever asked 

of me, heck, I even got better grades than those two idiots! How come they were Popes and here I am, still only a Father?"

And God answered, "My son, I know. But think of what it would do for my image for one of my servants to run around calling himself Pope SeCola?"

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