Friday, July 29, 2016

Funny Friday

And if today is Friday, it;'s time for some humour. . .  a couple of sports funnies, as the Olympics approach, plus a couple of rural ones.

Caution: risque content and language

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get into the Olympics but they haven't got tickets. The Scotsman picks up a manhole-cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland" he says, "Discus", and in he walks. The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Waddington-Smythe, England," he says, "Pole vault," and in he walks. The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland," he says, "Fencing."

The Government has advised people to watch out that they’re not being sold fake 2016 Olympic tickets. I think I’ll be alright though. My tickets for the men’s wheelchair triple jump seem genuine enough.

Dad shouts: "Stop watching porn, I can hear it in my room!" 
Son: "Dad.. I'm not watching porn, that’s Maria Sharapova playing tennis!"

In the days before TV and quiz shows, spelling bees were all the rage on the radio. Dave was the champion speller of Snake Gully and the whole town was involved when Dave went down to Sydney for a spelling contest. But just as Dave’s turn came, a violent electrical storm cut off Snake Gully from the outside world. The whole town turned up the next morning to meet the train bringing Dave back from the Big Smoke.

“How did you go, Dave, how did you go?” boomed the Mayor as soon as dave set foot to ground.

“No bloody good,” drawled Dave. “Do you know what them silly buggers reckon in Sydney? They reckon you spell horse piss a-u-s-p-i-c-e.”

“What’s the meaning of indecent?” the shearer asked his mate.

“Well,” replied his companion, “I’d say if it was long enough, thick enough, hard enough and in far enough, it’d be in decent.”

A farmer won the $2 million lottery and was asked what he planned to do with the money. He replied “I think I’ll just keep farming until it’s all gone.”

A city boy was sent to the country to spend a holiday on his uncle’s farm. When he returned home he was bubbling over with news of everything he’d seen. His mum asked him what animals his uncle had. “Well, I saw horses and pigs and some bulls and cows and some fuckers.”

“Some fuckers?”

“Well, Uncle Harry called them ‘eiffers but I knew what he meant.”

A man enters a chemist shop and says “I want a deodorant.”
“Ball or aerosol?” asks the chemist.
“Neither,” says the man, “armpits.”


Corn Corner

How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?

How many protestors do you need to change a lightbulb?
Trick question. Protestors don't change anything.

Why did America remove the "u" from "colour"?
Because fuck u that's why.

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