Friday, May 26, 2017

Funny Friday

. . . and time for some fun.

Today there is no theme, just a collection of some random humour.

Caution: the following items contain risque content.

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

Ten. One to change the light bulb and nine to say "it should be me up there!"

How can you tell who the dumbest actress working on a movie is?

She's the one sleeping with the writer.

A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. 

First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house. 

The physicist says: "The measurement wasn't accurate." 

The biologist concludes: "They have reproduced." 

The mathematician says: "Now if another person enters the house, it'll be empty again.”

An older Jewish gentleman married a younger lady and they were very much in love. However, no matter what the husband did sexually, the woman never achieved an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decided to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listened to their story, stroked his beard, and made the following suggestion, hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm. They went home and followed the rabbi's advice. They hired a handsome young man and he waved a towel over them as they made love. But it didn't help and she was still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they went back to the rabbi. Okay, said the rabbi, let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them. Once again, they followed the rabbi's advice. The young man got into bed with the wife and the husband waved the towel. The young man got to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon had an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm. The husband smiled, looked at the young man and said to him triumphantly, “You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!”

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him “You dumb shit! You’re supposed to turn your clock back”.

The preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet. Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I told a couple of friends you were a "Wizard under the sheets".

Whilst on that topic . . .

The difference between the Supreme Court and the Ku Klux Klan is that the members of the Supreme Court dress in black robes and scare white people.

A drunk stumbles upon a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" 

The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, preacher...I sure am." 

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk. 

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, I did not Reverend." 

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?" 

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said “I use hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." 

She took off her clothes and laid down on the ground. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here." 

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. 

Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?" 

“Check for bees."

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, “Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”

The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street and turn to your right.”

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, “I’m the new pastor in town. I’d like for you to come to church on Sunday. I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”

The little boy replied with a chuckle. “You’re bullshitting me, right? You don’t even know the way to the Post Office!”

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, “Do you have a condom?”

Donald frowned and said, “No.”

Daisy told Donald that if he didn’t get a condom, they could not have sex.

“Maybe they sell them at the front desk,” she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

“Yes, we do,” the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, “Would you like me to put them on your bill?”

“Thit No!” Donald quacked, “I’ll thuffocate!”



Corn Corner:

I have posted this one before and came 
across it again this week. It deserves another airing:

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

The conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say “Cah”, none could say “Truck”.

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