Friday, May 5, 2017

Funny Friday


It’s the end of the week so sit back, grab a coffee and take some moments out to read the funnies. Laughter may not be the best medicine but it certainly beats being miserable.


A few weeks ago I posted a joke recounted to me by trivia competitor and friend, John. It concerned a Jewish man buying alligator shoes. After I posted that joke John took me to task for not having told it properly, stopping just short of saying I had ruined it. He therefore sent me an email with his version.

Here are the two versions:

As I posted it –

Moshe had always wanted a pair of alligator shoes but had never been able to afford them. One day he sees a pair in the Selfridges Sale priced at only £39.99. He couldn’t believe it. They even had his size. So he buys them and proudly wears them to go home. 

When he gets home, he stands in front of his wife and says, "Sadie, do you notice anything different about me?" 

She looks him up and down and says, "Moshe, you look the same to me. You’re wearing the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same trousers. So you tell me, what’s different?" 

But Moshe won’t give up easily. He goes into the bedroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, other than his new shoes. 

Once again he stands in front of Sadie and says, "Sadie, now do you notice anything different about me?" 

Once again she looks him up and down, then says, "Moshe, it looks the same to me. It's hanging down just as it was hanging down yesterday. No doubt it will be still hanging down tomorrow." 

Angrily, Moshe says, "Do you know why it’s hanging down, Sadie? It’s hanging down because it’s looking directly at my new shoes!" 

Sadie replies, "You should have bought a hat!"

As John sent it to me:

Hymie, a little old Jewish tailor, who has bought himself and his wife nothing in all their years together, is walking home from work when he passes a shoe shop.

There in the middle of the window is a pair of alligator skin shoes. 

Hymie is smitten.

“I must have these shoes,” he says as he walks excitedly into the shop.

He tries the shoes on. They are a perfect fit. 

The shop assistant offers to wrap them.

“No,” says Hymie. “I’m going to vear them home.”

On his way home, he calls out to passers-by: “Hey, lady! Look at my new shoes!” “Hey, mister! Look at my new shoes!”

He arrives home, still buoyed by the excitement of having his alligator skin shoes.

“Rachel,” he calls to his wife.

“Vot is it?” she says.

Hymie motions to her to look at him. He asks: “Vot do you see vot’s different?”

Rachel looks dismissively: “Vot do I see vot’s different? The same old balding head, the same old ugly face, the same old pot belly. Vot’s different?”

Hymie leaves the room, then returns completely naked – apart from the new shoes.

“Now, vot do you see vot’s different?” he says.

“Vot do I see vot’s different?” says Rachel. “The same old balding head, the same old ugly face, the same old pot belly, the same old limp thing hanging down.”

“Vot do you mean ‘hanging down’,” says Hymie. “It’s pointing at my new shoes.”

“Next time,” says Rachel. “Buy a new hat!” 

I don’t propose to get into a 

with John over 

especially since I pinched his joke.

But it does set the scene for more Jewish humour . . . love it!!!

And my thanks to John, again.

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.”

“What did you do?” asked the man of the rabbi.

“I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi.

“What did he say?” asked the man.

He said, “Funny you should come to me...”

My wife and I did the Jewish divorce custom where we took a broken glass and we put it back together. 

—Myq Kaplan

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating.

A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.

Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.

The blind man ran his fingers over the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, “Who wrote this crap?”

A Rabbi was walking, slowly, out of a shul in New York, when a gust of wind blew his hat off and down the street. He was an old man, who walked with the aid of a cane, and who wasn't able to fetch his hat. Across the street, a young gentile man saw what was happening, rushed over and grabbed the hat. He then returned it to the Rabbi.

"I don't think I could have retrieved my hat by myself," said the Rabbi. "Thank you very much!" He then placed his hand on the man's shoulder and said, "May God bless you." The young man thought to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" He decided then and there to go to the racetrack. In the first race he noted a horse named 'Stetson' at 20 to 1. He bet $50 and, sure enough, the horse came in first. In the second race, a horse named 'Fedora' was at 30 to 1, so he bet all his money on that horse. Fedora came in first, as well.

At the end of the day the man returned home to his wife. She asked him where he's been. He explained how he caught the Rabbi's hat, and how he was blessed by him, and how he then went to the track and bet on horses which were named after hats. 

"So where's the money?" she said. 

"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost." 

"You fool, 'chateau' is a house, 'chapeau' is a hat!" exclaimed his wife. 

"It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka.

Moskowitz had bought a parrot and one morning found the bird at the eastern side of the cage, with a small prayer shawl over its head, rocking to and fro, and mumbling. Bending low to listen, Moskowitz was thunderstruck to discover the parrot was intoning prayers in the finest Hebrew.

"You're Jewish?" asked Moskowitz. "Not only Jewish," said the parrot, "but Orthodox. So will you take me to the synagogue on Rosh Hashonah?" Rosh Hashonah, the Jewish New Year, was indeed only 2 days away, and it would as always usher in the high-holiday season which would end with Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, ten days later. Moskowitz said "Of course I'll take you, but can I tell my friends about you? This isn't a secret is it?" "No secret at all. Tell anyone you want to." And the parrot returned to his praying. Moskowitz went to all his friends to tell them about his Jewish parrot. Of course no one believed him, and in no time at all Moskowitz was taking bets. By Rosh Hashonah he had $1,000 in bets riding on the parrot. Grinning, Moskowitz brought the parrot to the synagog in its cage. He put him in a prominent place and everyone turned to watch the parrot do his prayers. Even the rabbi watched, as he had $7 that said the parrot would not pray. Moskowitz waited. Everyone waited. The parrot did not pray. 

Moskowitz put the prayer shawl over the parrot's head, but the bird ducked and shawl fell off. After the services all of Moskowitz's friends laughed, and collected their money. Utterly humiliated, Moskowitz returned home, turned viciously on the bird, screaming, "Prepare to die you little monster, for I'm going to wring your neck! If you can pray, now's the time!" The parrot's voice rang out clear, "Hold it, you idiot. In 10 days it's Yom Kippur, when all the Jews will sing the tragic, haunting Kol Nidre. Why don't you bet everyone that I can sing Kol Nidre." "Why? You didn't do anything today!"

"Exactly," replied the bird. "So for Yom Kippur, just think of the odds you'll get!"

A little boy once returned home from Hebrew school and his father asked, "what did you learn today?" 

He answered, "The Rabbi told us how Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt." 


The boy said "Moses was a big strong man and he beat Pharoah up. Then while he was down, he got all the people together and ran towards the sea. When he got there, he has the Corps of Engineers build a huge pontoon bridge. Once they got on the other side, they blew up the bridge while the Egyptians were trying to cross." 

The father was shocked. "Is that what the Rabbi taught you?" 

The boy replied, "No. But you'd never believe the story he DID tell us!"



Corn Corner:

Two bees buzz around what's left of a rose bush. "How was your summer?" asks bee number one. "Not too good," sez bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not enough pollen."

The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit." Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. "How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the info-bee. "Great!" sez buddy-bee.

The first bee peers at his pal and wonders, "What's that on your head?" "A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

A Jewish man went to eat at a Chinese restaurant and started to wonder if there were any Chinese Jews. So, when the waiter came over to take his order, he asked, "Pardon me, but I'd like to know if there are any Chinese Jews?" The waiter said, "I no know. I go into kitchen and ask manager." 

After taking his order, the waiter went to the kitchen and returned in a few minutes. He explained to the man, "No. No Chinese Jews. We have orange Jews, tomato Jews, grape Jews, and pineapple Jews, but no Chinese Jews."

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