Friday, July 14, 2017

Funny Friday


There was no Bytes yesterday in that I was at Royal Prince Alfred Hospital with Kate from midnight to 10.00am.  Kate tripped and fell, fracturing her arm with is known as a spiral fracture, where is twisting at the time of the fracture. This is a diagrammatic depiction:

and this is Kate’s x ray:

She is now home resting, although in pain. 

Now that is not funny (I was tempted to say that it’s not humerus but I decided against it) but it does give us the theme for today’s Funny Friday: x rays and hospitals, some of them reposts from past Bytes.

Be warned, there is some risque humour included.

A young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . )"

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

A man returns from a trip to Amsterdam and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the results back from your tests, and I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious and deadly sexually transmitted disease known as G.A.S.H.

"G.A.S.H?" replies the patient. "What the hell is that?"

"It's a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes," explains the doctor.

"My gosh, Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "What are we going to do?"

"Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes and pita bread," says the doctor matter-of-factly.

"Will that cure me?"

"No," says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."

Hospitals hate it when you unplug things to charge your phone without asking first.

"Push harder!" I shouted to my wife while she was in labour. "Fuck off you bastard!" she screamed back at me. Bit harsh I thought - it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital.



Corn Corner:

I had a girlfriend once who was an X-ray technician. Was never going to last, she could see right through me.

A woman who was an X-ray technician married one of her patients. Everyone wondered what she saw in him.

A doctor X-rayed a patient who had swallowed some coins to see how he was getting on. No change yet.

Superman inherited his X-ray ability from his family. He has parental super vision.

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