Friday, January 10, 2020

Funny Friday


Welcome to Friday, readers, here are some smiles, chuckles and giggles to get you in the mood for the weekend.

Caution: some risque items ahead.



Harry and Meghan say they plan to step back as senior members of the British Royal family, and "carve out a progressive new role within this institution" while working "to become financially independent."

First time someone quit their family, saying it’s to spend more time with their jobs.


I went to the doctor recently.
He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”
He said, “No, Fatty, don’t eat anything.”


I saw a man with one arm shopping at a secondhand store.

I told him "You're not going to find what you're looking for."


An ethnic man walks into a car dealership and starts looking at a car.
A salesman asks if he needs any help or got any questions.
Man: “Cargo space?”
Salesman: “Car no do that. Car no fly.”


A German tourist jumped in the freezing lake to save my precious little dog that was drowning.

After that he climbed out, handed me the dog and said, "Here is ze dog, keep him warm and dry him off, he vill be fine."

I said, "Are you a vet?"

He replied, "Vet?... I am fucking soaked."


A guy was meeting a friend in a bar and, as he walked in, he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. He heard one girl say to the other, Nine."

Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten.

"Sorry to spoil your evening," said his friend, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German."



A sweet and innocent young Italian girl gets married, but the girl’s mother lives downstairs.

The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs.

“Momma, Momma,” she cries. “I can’t believe it! He has hair all over his chest! What should I do?”

The mother is making spaghetti sauce. She stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says, “Lots of men have hair on their chest. He’s your husband, it’s your wedding night, go upstairs.”

When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants. This sends her running back down to her mother: “Momma, Momma! He has hair all over his legs! What should I do?”

The mother stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says: “Lots of men have hair on their legs.  He’s your husband, it’s your wedding night, go upstairs.”

The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. She looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing. She goes crying back down the stairs:

“Momma, Momma! He’s got a foot and a half! What should I do?”

The mother hands her daughter the spoon and says “Here, you stir the sauce. I’ll go upstairs. This is a job for Momma.””



By moi . . .

Harry thought being royal sucked,
So palace tradition he bucked.
Though he quit as a gent,
We all know he meant
“You can now all go and get fucked!”






The other day, I saw my friend with a big puffy red nose.
I asked him what happened and he said, "I smelled a brose in my garden."  
I said, "There's no b in rose!"
He said, "There was in that one!!”


A guy asks a lawyer about his fees.
“I charge $50 for three questions,” the lawyer says.
“That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?” the guy asks.
“Yes, I suppose so,” the lawyer replies. “Now what’s your final question?”


If a tomato is a fruit, does that make tomato sauce a smoothie?
(American readers, substitute “ketchup”).


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