Thursday, June 15, 2023

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Welcome to this week’s LAUGH, Byters.

Kate and I came down with Covid and we have only just now gotten over the symptoms. The two of us needed to isolate and I returned to work today (Thursday). Before that I was working from home.

Which is a segue for the theme of today’s post: work.


There is the usual caution for some risquรฉ humour ahead.

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An eight year old girl went to the office with her Dad on a "Take your kid to work day".

As they were walking around the office the young girl was getting crankier and crankier, crying and sobbing. Her father asked what was wrong with her.

As the concerned office staff gathered around she sobbed loudly "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"

Saw the CEO arriving to work in a Ferrari this morning. He noticed I was looking and he told me "If you work hard for this company, if you stay overtime without asking compensation, if you truly believe you can make a difference and instil the same passion into your colleagues...

... then probably next year I'll be able to go for a Lambo."

My annual performance review says I lack “passion and intensity.” I guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.

A little girl was on summer break, and some guys showed up to work on the house across the street

Being the curious type, she decided to walk over and offer her help. The guys said sure, of course she could. So they gave her little jobs to do all week, "bring these screws over to Ray" and that sort of thing.

After the week was over, they decided to give her a little payment, and handed her an envelope with $50 in it. When she came home that day and showed her mother her pay, Mum suggested that they go to the bank and start a savings account. They went to the bank, and the little girl proudly showed the money to the teller and told her she would like to start an account.

The teller was impressed and asked, "Where did you get this money?" "I was working on a house!" said the little girl. The teller replied "Oh, and will you be working on the house next week, too?" The little girl replied, "Yeah, if we ever get those fucking bricks."

I work for the Big, International Non-Governmental Organization.

And BINGO is its name-o.

My wife and I are both unemployed. My mum died in a car crash. We have three children and we're all staying in my grandma's place, and my grandma died recently. My dad has to work at 73. I'll do any job to take care of my family. Please share.


William, Prince of Wales

A first grader is working on his math homework. While working, he says “1 plus 1, the son of a bitch is 2. 2 plus 2, the son of a bitch is 4”.

His mother hears him and in shock, she cries “What did you just say?” The boy replies “This is what the teacher says during arithmetic: 4 plus 4, the son of a bitch is 8.” His mother freaked, “Okay, I’m going to school with you tomorrow so I can sit in during arithmetic!”

Sure enough, the next day the boy’s mother joined him in school. During arithmetic, the teacher said “2 plus 2, the sum of which is 4 . . .”

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African walk into a restaurant.

“I’m sorry,” said the maรฎtre d’, “but you can’t come in here without a Thai.”

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Gloucester in New South Wales is a town of 2,390 people (2016 census) located in dairy and beef cattle country about 220 km north of Sydney.

It is also a city in the South West of England with a population of 132,000 and is known for its cathedrals.

It is pronounced "Gloster" and is sometimes written as "Glos" for short.

There was a young lady of Glos
Whose friends quite thought they had los,
When her handbag they spied
Coming back from a ride
On the horns of a bull that had tos.

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From Vince C, thanks Vince:

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After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long stay at a swanky resort.

While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn't seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a "burnout" in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him.

Joe approached the man, and seized his hand. "Pete, it's Joe. From high school. It's sure been a long time. You look great! You must really be doing okay for yourself."

"I am," whispered Pete. "I am a partner with a very successful law firm. But don't tell mother. She got the idea that I was a drug dealer back when I was in high school and she would be terribly disappointed if she figured out how I really make my money."

(An alternative, shorter version is: If you see my mother, don't tell her I'm a lawyer because she thinks I play the piano in a brothel.")

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When my wife starts to sing, I always go outside and do some garden work....

so our neighbours can see there's no domestic violence going on.

I used to work for an origami company

Until it folded

Not to brag, but I aced the drug test at work today.

Nobody got higher than me.

If "tomb" is pronounced "toom", "womb" is pronounced "woom" then shouldn'tbv"bomb" be pronounced "BOOM" ?

The other day I spotted an albino Dalmatian

It was the least I could do for the young fella

My dad worked as a clown. When he died I didn’t want to follow his work.

He left big shoes to fill.

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