Thursday, March 14, 2024


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Hello again, readers.

A restaurant theme for today’s Bytes.

As always, enjoy.

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A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favourite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you feel?" asks the doctor.

"Nauseous," says the guest, "I just threw up my whole meal and I still feel sick and lightheaded."

"What did you eat?" says the doctor, suspecting a case of fast-acting food poisoning.

"The chicken lo mein, number 9, and some dumplings."

At this point the other guest emerges from the bathroom.

"What did you eat today?" asks the doctor.

"I had egg rolls and chicken lo mein," he says.

As a third patron hurries toward the bathroom, the doctor tells the other two to have a seat, and urgently asks exactly how many people ordered the chicken lo mein. The manager counts up the orders.


The sick patrons are starting to look worryingly unwell. Fearing they may have contracted some deadly, unknown disease, the doctor instructs the manager to call an ambulance, and get the rest of the patrons out, so he can spread the sick customers out and attend to them.

"We can't kick everybody out!" protests the manager. "We need the money. We were closed all last year for Covid and this restaurant is heavily in debt."

Seeing that he won't get far with this approach, the doctor racks his brain for where he can put seven people until paramedics arrive. He remembers that the rest of the building is occupied by a hotel. He rushes out the door, into the hotel to the front desk to ask if they can spare a room.

"We have a conference room on the first floor, but it's booked at 4pm, so I can't let you use it." The clerk at the front desk is uncooperative.

The manager comes up behind him and tells him that an ambulance is on its way, and that five of the people who ate the lo mein are showing symptoms; two seem perfectly fine.

"Please," the doctor begs, "I need a place to put a bunch of sick people from the restaurant next door before the ambulances arrive."

"When do you need it?" the desk clerk asks.

"Now, I need it now!"

"And for how long?"

"Two hours at most."

"Why do you need it again?"

Exasperated, the doctor starts over. "Now listen carefully, because I'm not going to repeat myself again.

I need the room from 1 to 3 for five sick, seven ate 9!"

(My apologies, a shaggy dog story: a long-winded anecdote characterised by extensive narration of typically irrelevant incidents and terminated by an anticlimax.)

A redneck, his wife and teenage daughter walk into a restaurant walks into a bar.

The waitress asks, "Table for two?".

An old Jewish man walks into a restaurant

He orders some soup. The waiter quickly brings his soup but the old man doesn’t eat. The waiter returns after some minutes. “Excuse me sir. Is there something wrong with your soup?”

“Try it and find out.” The old man responded.

“Is the soup too cold?”

“Try it.”

“Is it too hot?”

“Just try it.”

“Not enough vegetables, too much broth, does it smell funny?”

“What are ya, mishegas? Just try the soup!” The old man shouts.

“Alright!” The waiter gives in.

"But where is the spoon? You have no spoon," the waiter says.

"Right," the man says.

A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids.

The kids start goofing around while she's talking to the waitress. The mom gets impatient and yells, "Eddy! Stop that! Or else!" All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet.

The waitress asks, “Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?”

"Yup," says the woman. "Makes it easier than trying to remember who's who every damn time."

"But what if you only want to talk to one of them for some reason?" the waitress asks.

"Well, then I just call them by their last names."

During World War 2, two German spies were sent to London to gather valuable intel. To immerse themselves in the local culture they walk into a local pub and walk up to the bar. The first German says to the barman in an impeccable English accent "May I have two Martinis please?" "Dry?" asked the barman. The German replied, holding up two fingers. "Nein! Zwei!"

I went to Subway with my wife and asked the girl to make me a sandwich.

She said "No problem."

I turned to my wife and said "Now, how hard was that?"

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A group of 40 year old friends get together and discuss where they should meet for dinner.

After plenty of conversation, it is finally agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and are pretty.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discusses where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant has a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they have never been there before.

Last night, I went with some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the waiter brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around I saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired a consulting firm to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed!

Later I noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant... That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can also save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the end of our "you know what," we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"Hhmmm...After you get it out, how do you put it back?" I asked.

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others... but I use my spoon."

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If you find for your verse there´s no call,
And you can´t afford paper at all,
For the poet true born,
However forlorn,
There`s always the lavatory wall.

In that vein:

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I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no.

Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.

A woman came into my restaurant the other day and asked, "Can you tell me about the menu please?"

So I kicked her out and told her that the men I please are none of her business!!

A man walks into an Indian restaurant.
The waiter asks, “Have you ever ordered here before?”
The man replies, “No, I haven’t.”
The waiter continues, “We’re a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form,” and he hands a piece of paper to the man.
The man squints at the paper and reads the single sentence, “We have naan at this restaurant.” The man looked up, puzzled, and asked why he needed to sign this worthless statement.
The waiter replied, impatiently, “Just sign the naan disclosure agreement and we can move on.”

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