Friday, April 13, 2018

Funny Friday


Continuing last week's theme of religious humour . . .


More of Leo's funnies (thanks, Leo):

* * * * * *
During the Reformation, the Pope was urged to banish nonbelievers from Rome, which would have involved removing Rome’s venerable Jewish community. The Pope resisted. “They’ve lived here for centuries,” he argued. “We can’t just kick them out.” But his advisers insisted that the Holy City must be rendered theologically pure.

“Well, let’s at least give them an opportunity to demonstrate their knowledge of Christian theology,” the Pope replied.

So an emissary was dispatched to the Jewish quarter to invite the wisest Jewish elder to discuss Christian theology with the Pope, on the pain of expulsion. The news threw the Jewish leaders into panic, since none of them knew anything about Christian theology. So they assumed they had no choice but to pack up and leave.

Their meeting was about to break up when a voice spoke up from the back of the room. “What’s the big deal?” said Moishe the tailor. “I’ll talk to the Pope.” The elders were startled, because Moishe knew nothing about Christian or Jewish theology. But assuming they had nothing to lose, they sent Moishe off to the Vatican.

Since Moishe spoke no Latin and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, their entire interview was conducted in sign language.

First, the Pope waved his arm back and forth over his head. Moishe responded by pointing to a spot on the floor at his feet.

Next, the Pope raised one finger of his right hand. Moishe replied by raising two fingers of his right hand.

Finally, the Pope reached beneath his priestly vestments and produced an orange. Moishe reached beneath his robe and produced a mazzah.

With that, the interview concluded. The Pope’s advisers rushed in to learn his verdict.

“These people must stay,” the Pope declared. “They’re totally conversant with Christian theology. First, I waved my arm to indicate that Christianity embraces the entire world; he pointed to the floor, in effect replying, ‘Yes, but its center is here in Rome.’

“Next, I held up one finger to indicate that we believe in one God; he raised two fingers, saying, ‘Yes, but you also believe in the Son and the Holy Ghost.’

“Finally, I produced an orange to indicate that the world is round; he produced a mazzah to suggest that it appears flat.”

Meanwhile, back in the Jewish quarter, everyone was preparing to leave when Moishe returned. “You can unpack your bags,” he announced. “I told the Pope a thing or two.”

Asked to explain, Moishe replied: “First, the Pope waved his arm to say, ‘The Jews will get out!’ I pointed to the floor, saying, ‘Oh no, you don’t — we’re staying right here!’

“Next, he pointed his finger at me, saying, ‘I’ll poke your eye out!’ I pointed two fingers at him, saying, ‘I’ll poke out both of your eyes!'

“And then we ate lunch.”
* * * * * *
Three pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.

One said "You know, since summer started Ive been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away."

Another said "Yes, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated and they won't go away."

The third said, "I baptised all mine and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since" !!!
 * * * * * *
A pastor had noticed that one of the elderly women hadn't been to any service for a week. She was real faithful, and wouldn't miss a service for anything, so he got concerned. He visited her house one evening, and knocked on the door. He heard the pitter patter of feet in the house, but no one answered. He left his business card on the door, but had written on the back of it "Rev. 3:20", as a message to her.

The following Sunday he was pleased to see this woman back in church. He told her that he had been concerned because no one answered the door the other night when he was there. She didn't say a word, but handed him back his card. He noticed that the "Rev. 3:20" was crossed out. But she had left a message for him on the back.  It read "Genesis 3:10."

(You're going to have to look it up.  I had to. Ohh, okay, here it is . . . 

Revelation 3:20 New International Version (NIV)
Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.

Gen 3:10
"I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.")

* * * * * *
A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The end is near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.

One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"

* * * * * *
A Catholic school teacher was teaching a lesson one morning and asked her students where Jesus was. "Yes Susie" she said as she called on Susie, whose hand was raised. "He's in heaven!" Susie said with pride. She called on Steven, who said "He’s in my heart"  She then called on the only boy left with his hand raised.  "He's in my bathroom!"  Everyone had a puzzled look and the teacher asked him to clarify his answer. "Yeah!" said the boy. "My father bangs on the bathroom door every morning and says 'Jesus Christ, ya still in there?’ "

 * * * * * *

Corn Corner:

Jarul agreed to be baptised. The pastor dipped him thrice in the baptismal pool and said, "You are baptised in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. From now on you are no longer to be called Jarul but Joseph, and you should never drink beer again." Jarul went home and took a cold pint of beer. Recalling what the pastor had said, he headed to the kitchen and dipped the pint of beer in a bowl of water thrice, saying “From now on you are no longer to be called Budweiser, but orange juice.”
* * * * * * 
 What did Bill Murray say when he met Satan?
I ain't afraid of no goats.

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