Friday, March 6, 2020

Funny Friday


A lot of religion today, if only for the fact that we haven't had any religious humour in a while.   

"Then I commended mirth, because a man hath no better thing under the sun, than to eat, and to drink, and to be merry: for that shall abide with him of his labour the days of his life, which God giveth him under the sun."
- Ecclesiates 8.15

If you prefervthe Good News Bible to the King James Version:

So I am convinced that we should enjoy ourselves, because the only pleasure we have in this life is eating and drinking and enjoying ourselves. We can at least do this as we labour during the life that God has given us in this world.
Ecclesiastes 8.15

I can't provide eat and drink but I can provide some mirth, so be merry dear readers.

But a word of caution, there is risque content ahead.  I guess that means I'm screwed for a pass upstairs . . . 



A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. "Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

Two rabbis were discussing how they had a problem with squirrels around the shul. One said "we called the exterminator, but they came back. How did you get rid of yours?"

"Simple. We gave them a bar mitzvah. Never saw them again".

Alternative Christian version:

A church has a rat problem

The church doesn't want to kill the rats so they trap them and release them far away, but the next day they are back. Next they try ask them politely to leave, still they won't budge. Finally the priest has one last idea, he baptised all the rats.

Now they only come at Christmas and Easter.


A shofar is an ancient musical horn, usually made of a ram’s horn, used for Jewish religious purposes. The shofar is blown in synagogue services on Rosh Hashanah and at the end of Yom Kippur, and is also blown every weekday morning in the month of Elul running up to Rosh Hashanah.

Hetty is having afternoon tea in a cafe. On an adjacent table, Mary is also having tea. Mary leans over towards Hetty and says, "Excuse me asking, but are you Jewish?"
"Why yes I am," replies Hetty.
"I thought so," says Mary, "you have a Jewish holiday this week, don’t you?"
"Yes, we do, it’s called Rosh Hashanah."
"Is that when you light a different coloured candle every night?" asks Mary.
"Oh no," says Hetty, "that's Chanukah."
"Then is it the one when you’re not allowed to eat any bread?" asks Mary.
"No, that's Passover," says Hetty, "Rosh Hashanah is when we blow the Shofar."
"That's really nice," says Mary, "that's what I admire about you Jewish people – you’re so good to the staff."

A man walked into then ladies department and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, “I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.”

'”What type of bra?”, asked the clerk.

“Type?”, inquires the man, “There's more than one type?”

“Look around”, said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

“Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.”

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied: “There are the Catholic, Salvation Army, Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?”

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple.

The Catholic type supports the masses.

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen.

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright.

The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills."


Oh and have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD , E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs.
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain.
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!


The crowd was getting ready to stone the prostitute when Jesus jumps up in front of them and says "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

A rock is thrown from the crowd and hits the woman on the head.

Jesus looks at the person who threw the stone and says, "Mother., sometimes you really piss me off..."

Bonus item from the vault:

This has been posted previously in Bytes and seems spot on to me . . .




Whilst visiting Canberra I mentioned to father in law Noel that I needed to go to a shop in Tuggeranong, one of Canberra’s suburbs. This touched off a discussion about a limerick using that place name, Noel’s contribution being the second line.  Did I mention he is 93?

One other thing, although it is spelt Tug-ger-a-nong, the locals pronounce it Tug-gra-nong.

A lady from fine Tuggeranong
Had a particular liking for dong,
But her plans went awry
When she married a guy,
With only a miniscule schlong.





So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, holding my harpoon.

Atheism and Religion are but two sides of the same coin.

One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales.

A church is a one story building.

Two stoners are talking about religion, "Dude. Did you know that like, uh, God, he has a name?" The other replies, "Really dude? No way!"
The first answers, "Yahweh!"

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