Friday, March 27, 2020

Funny Friday


As a lawyer, I have been increasingly asked to advise both tenants and landlords about rights and liabilities under commercial leases – Am I still obliged to pay rent when the government won’t allow my shop to be open? Can I end the lease?  Can I walk away? Do I have to reduce the rent? There are no simple answers, relevant factors being: 
-  the terms of the lease (whether express or implied); 
- force majeure clauses (an unforeseeable circumstance that prevents a contract, in this case the lease, from being fulfilled); 
- frustration (a doctrine that applies whether there is a clause or not, whereby an unforeseen event either renders contractual obligations impossible, or radically changes a party's principal purpose for entering into the contract); 
- abatement of rent (rent reduction until a damaged property is repaired). 

Okay, it seems pretty dry but to the people affected it can mean the loss of business and worse. 

But that also sets the theme for today’s FF: landlords, tenants and leases. 

Take a moment though to send some positive energy to those doing it tough.

Also, a call out to Robert B, who isn’t travelling an easy road at the moment,.  Thinking of you amigo 




My landlord asked me out on a date. 

He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.


A lawyer wanted to rent an apartment for his family, but kept being denied by landlords because he had 8 kids. 

People keep telling him to lie about how many kids he has, but being a lawyer, he feels too guilty to lie. One day, however, he decides that enough is enough. He tells his wife to take the 7 younger kids with her and go to the cemetery. He then takes the oldest kid and brings him to visit a new apartment. They go over the details of the lease and, right before the man signed the papers, the landlord asked him a last question: 

“Do you have any other kids?: 

“I have seven others, but they're at the cemetery with their mother.” 


After testing positive for coronavirus, Prince Charles is working from home. 

So far he's opened the new garden shed 16 times and shaken the dogs’ paws three dozen. 


“Sir, you have got to help!” said the tearful man at the door. “There is a family that I know very well that is in desperate need of money. The father has been out of a job for over a year, they have five kids at home with barely a bit of food to eat. The worst part is, that they are about to kicked out of the house and they will be left on the streets without a roof over their heads!” the man concluded with one last heart wrenching sob. 

“Well,” said the man at the door, “that really is a sad story. Why don’t you come inside and we’ll talk about it a little more.” 

“So how much money is needed exactly?” asked the man when they were both seated. 

“Oh, it’s really terrible,” said the man starting up again, “why just for the rent $3,000 is needed by tomorrow, otherwise they’ll be kicked out onto the streets.” 

“How do you know so much about this situation?” asked the man as he reached for his cheque book. 

“Well,” said the man breaking down once more “they’re my tenants.” 


A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck." 

"I see your eyes are working" replies the duck. 

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord. 

"I see your ears are working" says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" 

"Certainly," says the landlord, " sorry about that, it's just we don't get many talking ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" 

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. 

So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for about 2 weeks. 

Then one day the circus comes to town. 

The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!" 

"Sounds marvellous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call." 

So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. 

The landlord says, "Hey Mr Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!" 

"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?" 

"At the circus," says the landlord. 

"The circus?" the duck enquires. 

"That's right," replies the landlord. 

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" 

"That's right!" says the landlord. 

The duck looks confused. "What the fuck do they want with a plasterer? 


'Corona' is Latin for crown. 

After years of waiting for the top job, this is probably the closest Charles is going to get. 


An 80 year old blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar. 

He orders a pint and tells the landlord, "I've been blind for 50 years lad. My hearing's perfectly attuned. I bet can tell you what's happening in any room in this pub." 

"Oh really", says the landlord, "go ahead then". 

The old man cups a hand round his ear, tilts his head to the ceiling and listens. "In your bathroom, upstairs, the one at the end of the corridor... a tap's been left on." 

Skeptical, the landlord sends his nephew upstairs to check. His nephew returns and confirms the findings. "Could've been luck", says the landlord, "Go on, try again..." 

The old man cups his ear, tilts his head to the floor and listens. "In your cellar", he says, "I can hear scurrying. You have a rat infestation." 

"You're talking rubbish." says the landlord, and sends his nephew to check. He returns and the old man is right, again! 

Now intrigued, the landlord urges him to try again. 

He cups a hand round his ear and listens to somewhere behind the bar. "Ah, in the storeroom down that corridor", he says, "someone's having at it in there right now". 

The nephew goes and checks the store room, and what d'ya know, he finds two of the bar staff shagging away in there. 

"Bloody hell old man, you truly are incredible", says the landlord, "what else can you hear?" 

The old geezer hushes the landlord, places his head on the bar and listens for a while. 

He lifts his head off the bar and says, "Yep, your beer pump is definitely out of action". 

The landlord checks the pump... "Ha! You're wrong old man. It's working perfectly!" 

"Well then, where's my fucking pint?" 



A taxi driver in Manchester was sat in his cab, hands down his pants, doing a routine testicular cancer check, when a gorgeous girl with great big boobs climbed in. 

"How much to Oldham?" she enquired. 

He said; "You can hold 'em for nowt, love, if I can hold yours as well!" 



I know that the rhyming pattern for a limerick is A A B B A, but I was tempted to break that protocol and use a pattern of A A A A A. Here is the result . . . 

The pollies impose isolation, 
Duration, there's no explanation. 
Vexation, frustration,
And gone all elation, 
Gone too is my winter vacation. 


GALLERY . . . 



I was in my room and saw 10 ants running frantically. I felt bad for them, so I built a house for them. This kinda makes me their landlord and that kinda makes them my . . . 



The Kraken: Yes, I'd like to renew my lease . 

Landlord : Re-lease the Kraken! 


Did you hear of the landlord who played favourites? 

He only did maintenance for his main tenants. 


I ordered a Chinese meal and it was delivered by an Asian driver. As he came to the door. I walked out to meet him and he began shouting "Isolate. Isolate.” 

I said "Mate, your'e not that late, I only ordered 10 minutes ago.”

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