Friday, May 30, 2014

Funny Friday

Some miscellaneous items for this Funny Friday that had me chuckling . . .

Caution: risque and politically incorrect content, but what the hell . . .

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For Wayne and Carol, the item I told them I would post concerning appropriate responses in certain situations:

Three debutantes are in a car driving around in the South. They pass a beautiful horse farm with beautiful green pastures, beautiful white fences with beautiful stables, and beautiful horses. The debutante in the back seat says “My daddy bought me this beautiful horse farm for graduating high school.”
The debutante in the passenger seat says “Ooooooh.”
The debutante that’s driving says “That’s nice.”
After a while they pass a beautiful golf course, hotel and casino. 
The debutante in the back seat says “My daddy bought me this beautiful golf course, hotel and casino for graduating high school.”
The debutante in the passenger seat says “Ooooooh.”
The debutante that’s driving says “That’s nice.”
The debutante in the back seat asks the debutante who’s driving “What did your daddy buy you for graduating high school?”
The debutante who’s driving says “My daddy is of limited means and all he gave me was advice.”
The debutante in the front seat ask the debutatnte who’s driving “What advice did your daddy give you for graduating high school?”
The debutante that’s driving says “My daddy always told me to say ‘That’s nice’ instead of “Go fuck yourself!’ “

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An old man walks into a pizza parlour and tells the kid behind the counter “I’d like a prune pizza.”
The kid says “What?” 
“Prunes,” the old man says, “Do you have any prunes?”
The kid says “Yeah, we have prunes.”
“Then,” says the old man, “make me a prune pizza.”
“Do you want that to go?” asks the kid.
The old man scowls and says “Why else would I want it!” 

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As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his mobile phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on freeway. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Which leads me to an item from my father in law, Noel:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter. 

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast. 

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. 

“Not really, Papa, it was boring. We didn’t see a single arsehole, queer, piece of shit, horse’s arse. Socialist left wing Abbot lover, blind bastard, dip shit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went! We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun.

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Corn corner:

This week's Corn corner is also courtesy of Leo:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans, 

... walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maƮtre d', after scrutinising the group.

"You can't come in here without a Thai."

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