Friday, April 10, 2015

Funny Friday

A few weeks ago there was a Funny Friday on the them of God and Heaven.

It seems only fair that equal time be given to the Devil and Hell . . .

* * * * * * * * * *
"Where am I?" asked Hitler, when he finally regained consciousness.

"Hell, Hitler." answered The Devil.

"Heil Hitler! Where am I?" asked Hitler.

* * * * * * * * * *
The following is an actual question given on a University of Liverpool chemistry final exam.

The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law that gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that, if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. Because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay constant, the volume of Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Sandra during my freshman year, that “it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is endothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is extinct…leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being - which explains why, last night, Sandra kept shouting “Oh God please somebody help me!”


* * * * * * * * * *
Heaven is where:
The police are British, 
The cooks are French, 
The mechanics are German, 
The lovers are Italian 
And it's all organised by the Swiss. 

Hell is where:
The chefs are British, 
The mechanics are French, 
The lovers are Swiss, 
The police are German 
And it's all organised by the Italians.

* * * * * * * * * *
Alternate version:

Heaven is having:
An American salary,
A Chinese cook,
An English house,
And a Japanese wife. 

Hell is having:
A Chinese salary,
An English cook,
A Japanese house
And an American wife

* * * * * * * * * *

* * * * * * * * * *
A man dies.
God asks an angel, 'Was he married?' 
The angel says 'Yes'. 
God says ‘Take him to Heaven, he's already been through Hell!

* * * * * * * * * *
This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms in which to spend eternity. So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in the desert, with hot sand, no shade and merciless sun. The guy says "No, please show me the next room". Satan shows him the next room and this has people in an icy, polar landscape. The freezing wind is blowing and there is ice everywhere. And so he says no again. Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their chests drinking cups of tea and eating cakes. So the guy says, "I'll choose this room". Satan says O.K, enters and wades his way to a little unoccupied area. The guy is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, "Well, it could be worse", when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, blows a whistle and yells “TEA BREAK’S OVER, BACK ON YOUR HEADS!” 

* * * * * * * * * *
Corn Corner:

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports.

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off...

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

"It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work...

Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait!" he screamed.

"That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged his shoulders and said, JESUS SAVES...

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