Friday, April 17, 2015

Funny Friday

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How to speak New Zealand

Say out loud for full effect!

Milburn - capital of Victoria
Peck - to fill a suitcase
Pissed aside - chemical which kills insects
Pigs - for hanging out washing with
Pump - to act as agent for prostitute
Pug - large animal with a curly tail
Nin tin dough - computer game
Munner stroney - soup
Min - male of the species
Mess Kara - eye makeup
McKennock - person who fixes cars
Mere - Mayor
Leather - foam produced from soap
Lift - departed
Kiri Pecker - famous Australian businessman
Kittle crusps - potato chips
Ken's - Cairns
Jumbo - pet name for someone called Jim
Jungle Bills - Christmas carol
Inner me - enemy
Guess - vapour
Fush - marine creatures
Fitter cheney - type of pasta
Ever cardeau - avocado
Fear hear - blonde
Ear - mix of nitrogen and oxygen
Ear roebucks - exercise at the gym
Duffy cult - not easy
Amejen - visualise
Day old chuck - very young poultry
Bug hut - popular recording
Bun button - been bitten by insect
Beard - a place to sleep
Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers
Ear New Zulland - an extinct airline
Beers - large savage animals found in U.S. forests
Veerjun - mythical New Zealand maiden
One Doze - well known computer program
Brudge - structure spanning a stream
Sex - one less than sivven
Tin - one more than nine
Iggs Ecktly - Precisely
Earplane - large flying machine
Beggage Chucken - place to leave your suitcase at the earport
Sivven Sucks Sivven - large Boeing aircraft
Sivven Four Sivven - larger Boeing aircraft
Cuds - children
Pits - domestic animals
Cuttin - baby cat
Munce - usually served on toast 

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For son Thomas, who will be leaving my office next week to commence life as a barrister (not saying that I agree with the comments expressed) . . . 

What’s the difference between God and a Barrister? God doesn’t think He’s a barrister.

What’s the difference between a barrister and a broken watch? Neither of them work – but the watch is right twice a day.

How many barristers does it take to change a lightbulb? How many can you afford?

What happens to a barrister when he takes viagra? He gets taller.

What’s the difference between a barrister and a duck? Once in a while the duck will stick its bill up its arse.

Barrister chat up line? ‘I’m a barrister. I’m trained to get you off’.

Why did the barrister cross the road? To sue the chicken.

How do you get 100 barristers in a Mini? You make 1 a High Court Judge and the other 99 will crawl up his arse.

What do you get when you cross a barrister with a demon from hell? A barrister.

What’s the difference between a barrister and a trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

What’s the difference between a cat and a barrister? One is an arrogant creature which will utterly ignore you unless you can do something for it. The other is a pet.

On holiday with their respective families Joe meets Max who he hasn’t seen for years. ‘What are you doing with yourself these days’ he asks. ‘I’m a barrister’ whispers Max, ‘but don’t tell my wife. She thinks I’m still a pimp’.

A pupil was sent to a far-away town to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After 3 days he won the case and the client was acquitted. Excited about his success, the pupil texted his pupilmaster “Justice prevailed.” The pupilmaster replied in haste: “Lodge an appeal immediately.”

A London silk goes shooting in Yorkshire and kills a pheasant, which falls into a field on the other side of a fence. As he climbs the fence, an elderly gentleman asks him what he’s doing. The silk responds, “I shot a pheasant and it fell in this field, I’m going into retrieve it.” The old farmer replies, “This is my property, and tha’s not coming in.” The indignant silk says, “I am in Chamber’s Guide and the Legal 500. If you don’t let me get the pheasant, I’ll sue you!” The farmer smiles and says, “Tha’ don’t know how we do things ‘ere in Yorkshire. We settle disagreements like this wit’ Three-Kick Rule.” The silk asks, “What’s that?” The farmer replies “Fust I kick thee three times, then tha kicks me three times, and so on, back and forth, until one of us gives up.” The silk quickly decides that he can easily take the old farmer and agrees. The farmer slowly walks up to the silk. His first kick plants his heavy work boot into the silk’s groin and drops him to his knees. His second kick nearly wipes the man’s nose off his face. The silk is flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly causes him to give up. But he summons every bit of his will power and manages to get to his feet and say, “Okay, you old bastard, now it’s my turn.” The old farmer smiles and says, “Nay lad, I give up. Tha can have pheasant.”

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I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! 

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

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Corn Corner:

Okay, one more, a repost . . .

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

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