FUNNY FRIDAY

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Some items that will hopefully tickle your funnybones, readers . . .

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SOME HUMOUR:

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter...

Dear Ma & Pa,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6 am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are dead because we’ve been on a ’route march’ - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target! You don’t even load your own cartridges, they comes in lil' boxes, and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can’t complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Patricia

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A first grader is working on his math homework

While working, he says “1 plus 1, the son of a bitch is 2. 2 plus 2, the son of a bitch is 4”.

His mom hears him an in shock, she cries “what did you just say?” The boy replies “this is what the teacher says during arithmetic: 4 plus 4, the son of a bitch is 8.” His mother freaked “okay, I’m going to school with you tomorrow so I can sit in during arithmetic!”

Sure enough, the next day the boys mother joined him in school. During arithmetic, the teacher said “2 plus 2, the sum of which is 4”

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Clark Kent was lying in his death bed with his wife Lois Lane beside him.

After some time, Lois said “Darling, I have to confess something. Years ago, I had an affair with Superman. It was only one night, but I’ve regretted it ever since. I hope you can forgive me.”

“You don’t need to worry about that because,” Clark said as he took off his glasses, “I am Superman! Even if you didn’t know it was me, in my eyes you were always faithful.”

“Oh thank God!” said Lois. “ I can’t tell you what a weight that is off my chest.”

“Glad we cleared that up,” said Clark.

“So I guess this means you were Batman too.”

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An Asian man goes to rent a car, and the clerk sees the man's name is Herschel Leibowitz

The clerk asks him how an Asian man like himself got the name Herschel Leibowitz. He responds in a heavy accent "When I was going through immigration, we were in a line in the area where we give our names. The name of the man in front of me was Herschel Leibowitz. When they call for me to ask me what my name is, I said "Sam Ting"

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As I began to panic, I became increasingly warmer and very thirsty.

With no access to water, I knew that I had no choice but to do what Bear Grylls would do in this situation and drink my own urine.

It tasted better than I thought it would and to be honest, it really did refresh me.

Although I did get some funny looks from the others who had been stuck in the lift with me for the last 20 minutes.

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I made dinner for my new girlfriend last night.

After the meal I said, "Those chips that you've just eaten actually came from my garden this morning."

"Wow!" she smiled, "I didn't know that you grew potatoes?"

I said, "I don't, some fucker must've thrown them over the fence."

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LAW & LAWYERS

A lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery

He asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn in here?” The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street and we didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.”

(On the other hand, he might have been alone looking at green fields with the sun on his face and imagined he was in Elysium).

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

(The place in the first line of the following limerick is pronounced Tottnum in best English, but for the purpose of this limerick it can be pronounced Tottenum)

There was a young lady from Tottenham,

Her manners - she'd simply forgotten 'em.

During tea at the vicar's

She ripped off her knickers

Because she was feeling too hot in 'em.

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RELIGION SPOT:

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. "You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live" he is told.

The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.

The doctor pauses a moment and says, "Can I give you some non- medical advice?"

"Sure, anything, Doc. I'm desperate! "

"Are you religious? the doctor asks.

"Not at all," says the patient.

"Well," says the doctor, "I encourage you to join the Mormon church. Go to every service, get involved with every group and small organization you can and completely immerse yourself into that religion. I mean, EVERY aspect of it you can."

The patient perks up and is feeling hopeful. "Will that extend my life?!"

"No," says the doctor, "But it'll be the longest fucking 6 months you've ever had."

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CORN CORNER:

The best way to get the right answer on the internet is not to ask a question; it's to post the wrong answer.

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What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?

They're both Paris sites.

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I've been searching for an anagram of "tired" all day.

Oh well, I tried.

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Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

Because they are too big to transport to British museums

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