Wednesday, May 3, 2023


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Jerry Seinfeld once said “Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.”

I was reminded this when one of our dogs had a stomach upset last week and had diarrhoea, leaving it to ate and I to clean up. Smelly, disgusting, stomach churning.

So there is the theme for this week,

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Two flies are sitting on a dog poo. One of them breaks wind, and the other says….

Do you mind! I’m eating!

I stepped in dog poo.

I can't see shit without my glasses.

I asked God what the most unlikely thing in the world was.

He replied.

The neighbour’s dog crapped in our garden, so my wife told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.

I don’t see what that solved. We’ve still got dog poo in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.

A couple for son Thomas and his wife Jess, who keep bees, they have about 30,000 head . . .

Fellas if you ever meet a woman who takes the time to take care of bees, marry her.
She's a keeper.

Why couldn’t the beekeeper afford a GPS device?
Because honey can’t buy mappiness.

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is too wide.”

A man goes to the bank to ask for a loan. He presents his case to the banker but the banker turns him down.

The man asks “Do you mind if I ask if you wear a glass right eye?”

The banker replies “Yes. What made you ask that?”

The man replied “It appears to be the more compassionate of the two."

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A young man is visiting his future wife's parent's house for dinner. He is incredibly nervous and not feeling too well, but he sits down for dinner anyway. The family dog, Rover, takes a seat under him and they start dinner.

The guy has terrible wind and really has to fart, so he lets out just a tiny one. The girlfriend's father says, "Rover! Get out!". The guy thinks this is really great; they think it's the dog! He lets a little bigger one this time. The father says, "Rover! Get out of there!" in a little harsher tone.

Relaxing, the guy finally decides to really let one rip, so he blasts away with a really long one. The father stands up and shouts "For fuck's sake Rover, get out of there before he shits on you!".

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Another limerick from Oz:

Said a snooty young thing from Australia:
“Now concerning the male genitalia,
Men brag of their size
Till you’re sure you’ve a prize,
Then exhibit wee paraphernalia.”

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A parishioner compliments the minister after a sermon, saying, "Reverend, your words today were akin to the peace and love of God."

"Thank you," responds the minister, "Why do you say that?"

The parishioner explains, " Because the peace of God passes all understanding, and the love of God endures forever."

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Same theme . . . 

And something topical, sent to me by Thomas . . . 

Same theme . . . 

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You can't really blame barnacles for being clingy...

They're just a little shellfish.

My wife says I can't solve my own problems

How do I prove her wrong?

The salesman at the hardware store tried to sell me 20 ft. of rope for $1, but I refused.

I hate…long good buys.

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