Friday, August 12, 2016

Funny Friday

Another Funny Friday to start the countdown to the weekend.

Caution: risque content.

To paraphrase a limerick about limericks . . . 

A good joke packs laughs astronomical
Into a form that is quite economical,
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

A chap goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office. 

The interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything"? He replies, "Yes caffeine." 

"Have you ever worked for the public service before." "Yes I was in the Army,” he says “I was in Iraq for two tours." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment. 

Then he asks "Are you disabled in any way?" The chap says "Yes, a mine exploded next to me when I was there and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says "Okay. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.......but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am- and carry on starting at 10.00am every day." 

The man is puzzled and asks "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know."

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no point coming in for that."

A skinny little white guy gets off work and walks into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The little guy faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me? "

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.

I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 15 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "oh thank God, I thought you said turn around."

Corn Corner:

The rest of today's funnies are all so weak that I am putting them all into Corn Corner.

I can almost hear the collective readers' groans . . .

An English boat was sinking off the German coast.

The captain contacts the German Coastguard and says: "Mayday, mayday, this is the UK69 and we are sinking. I repeat, we are sinking."

The German coastguard replies: "Vot are you sinking about?"

A man named Jimmy walks into a bar.

He sits down at the bar and notices a couple lines of people standing at the other side of the bar.

Jimmy asks the bartender "What are those people standing over there for?"

The bartender replies, "Oh, the owner has a nice system setup for people who can't pay their tabs. He really enjoys causing others pain, so if you stand in the first line you can get kicked by the owner and he lets you go free. In the second, the owner gets to twist your nipples as hard as he wants, but again, you get to go for free."

Jimmy responds "Wow, what an interesting system. You know what would make it a lot better?"

"What's that?" asks the bartender

"If there was a punchline."

A man from out of town walks into a bar.

He sees large pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender why the meat is hanging down from the ceiling. The bartender says "Around these parts we have a challenge. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get it for free. If you can't you have to pay the price of the meat but you don't get it. How about taking the bet?" 

The man looks up at the meat. "Nah," he says. "The steaks are too high.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

“Aye, matey.”

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